Story: Beating Heart In the Flesh AU, zombies fic, homophobia, self harm, suicide, characters death

[szarabasjka]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

***

Jensen opened his eyes slowly to see his family staring at him.

“What?”

His mother was crying and without warning pulled him into a tight embrace. “MOM!” he squeaked as best as he could.

“You were on the street right outside of Jared’s house.” She said between sobs. “You were on the street and I thought… I thought…” her voice broke in heartbreaking sobs.

“I’m fine. I just… felt my heart beating.”

Doctors don’t have a standard, there’s not a specific order for the things to come back Jensen started with feelings and emotions. For Osric were eye color and hunger. There was a story about a girl that first had her period, yeah must suck to be her.

There were different ways for the body to be aware of life again. Wanderlust was only one of them, especially when it came almost a year after he came back.

Osric fit back in school as if he never left. Legally he was still 12 after all, and now he was all excited for Spring Prom and Jensen had to smile at the excitement.

“Okay, I have my ensemble.” Osric faced Jensen showing off his perfectly fit dark charcoal three pieces suit. “Now you can tell me your news.”

Jensen smiled while fixing his little friend’s tie. “I’ll be leaving this fall.”

“What? Why?” Josh had gone home, and Jensen remained in town because he felt it wasn’t time to leave yet.

“There’s nothing for me here Os. Besides I’m going to live near Josh in San Francisco, so I’ll be around in a couple years when you end up in CalTech or something.” Both chuckled.

“I don’t want you to go.” Jensen felt his eyes watered when the boy hugged him. “You could be here forever! With me!”

Jensen felt the tears choking him, but they left as soon as they came. “I could but you are meant to be great kid and you won’t be staying here. Okay?” and pushing him away to look into his face. “Besides I’m old and this could be my last chance to go to college. And I’m not going tomorrow, we still have months.” Jensen searched around looking around for a different shirt. “I’m still gonna kick your ass in Silent hills (Zombie based VG) this weekend.” Osric laughed and everything was forgotten until they were sitting outside the ice cream parlor.

“Jared is supposed to be in California too, right?” asked the young boy.

“I don’t know.” Jensen still had the pale –white eyes of every partially deceased and his heart never again had beat. But still he was nervous his face would show his lie.

“You said he was going to Stanford.”

“Stop it, he left us, we don’t have to worry.”

“I know, I just don’t want you to find him when you move there.” Jensen smiled. “What if he finds one of us alone? You think he’d act like the militia?” riots were reported in several places, mostly angry people because their loved ones weren’t’ coming back.

“I don’t think so. I wouldn’t let him get close anyways.”

They heard Mrs. Chau’s car and Osric said good bye and carried his stuff and his ice cream to his mom’s car.

Jensen waved the lady and saw them leaving. He sat there alone.  Days like today made him miss Jared, when he wanted to discuss how much he missed the only person that was nice to him without over compensating for something else. He missed that Jared always knew when to talk to him and how to make him laugh. He wished he could explain Jared that whatever his brother did was not on him, or tell him he was sorry. But that he had to set things clear.

“Hey Jay, you have math’s homework?” asked a voice from behind and Jensen’s head snapped back, in the alley between the buildings to find a man dressed in rags, the smell was so strong he could feel it from where he was sitting. “Don’t you recognize me?”

Jensen moved his head from side to side. He didn’t remember anyone like that man, greasy long light brown hair, pale skinny face, unkempt beard. He wasn’t even as tall as Jensen.

“I kinda expected that… I was in your AP Math Class. I sat behind you and copied you every test during three years.” Jensen still shook his head. “Stephen?”

Jensen remembered this one. He was the bottom of the red pickup truck gang pyramid. He used to be the sucker that did everything the rest didn’t want to do.

“Hey!” Jensen was about to say *how are you*but Amell was obviously living on the streets. The awkward silence that fell was broken by the voice of an old Man.

“YOU hobo!!” shouted pointing a finger to them “beat it.” The older man showed him a baton.

“I should leave, he means it, he’d beat me before…” Jensen noticed the man mumbling *first a fucking rotten perverting a kid and now that bum.* So Jensen got up and walked away with Stephen.

“What an ass.” Jensen commented.

“Yeah, Mark Pellegrino Sr. is a mean bastard…” The man chuckled. “Just like his son.” Jensen was surprised. “You didn’t know? He’s Mark’s father.”

Jensen raised his eyebrows. “At least they’re not as bad as Anders used to be… Just as mean as Sheppard, he’s the worst when his men find me around.”

“What happened to you?” the man was twitching, and Jensen had his answer. He was using.

“Nothing.”  He rubbed his face. “I just think all Marks are dicks, maybe is a law or something, but I can take it, I deserve it.”

“Nobody deserves that.”

“I do…”

“Why?” Jensen saw how the eyes filled with tears.

“Because, I should be called Mark.” He joked. “I haven’t seen you until today. I wanted to say I’m sorry.” He mumbled before he left.

***

Jared left a Wednesday, and all the time he spent on the plane he thought about one thing. Why he didn’t cleared things with Jensen?

He settled in an off campus apartment and looked for a job, with his experience he found one quite easily, he was in charge of a bookstore. His days were empty and his nights were filled studying and doing homework.

He met a couple friends but never really wanted to be close to anyone, he felt lost and alone. And once more out of place.

But that was the strange part. He always felt out of place, except for few months. He felt as if left behind his entire life. The only one time in his life he felt like this was when Zachary left.

“We’ll met in college in a year, Jay.” he pressed as he helped Jared fill applications. Stanford, he was going to Stanford and Jared will go to. “I love you and I’m not gonna let you behind.”

Jared kissed his boyfriend and cried the entire night because he finally had a family on his own. That’s why it hurt so much, just when he was about to graduate and just had his acceptance letter.

“What you mean you’re going home?” Zach asked while Jared was packing. They spent two summers together already.

“It’s complicated…”

“Is this about your brother again?” Jared looked at Zach hurt. “Oh no, don’t give me that look, when are you going to let it go?”

“Man, he was my brother! And he was killed. Wouldn’t you want to know why?”

“Jared.” He got close and had his hands in his shoulders. “Sweetheart, I love you, I do, but you have to let it go, your family deserted you, why you insist in doing this to yourself?”

“It’ll be only a couple months.”

“Months? You do realize I’m going back to school in like three weeks right? And that you’re supposed to go with me?”

“Zach, it’ll be just for one term, I can get there for winter.”

It didn’t end well, it didn’t.

Jared went home for a couple weeks, and his parent only offered money and couldn't wait for him to leave. He tried calling Zach but never had he answered his calls.

By the time he moved on and left for college he found Zach with a girl all over him.

“You had your chance, you took your decision is not my fault.”

Now, sitting in the empty room filled with memories and regrets he understood Jensen, the only person he felt normal with. Maybe death wasn’t that bad.

***

Jensen tried to find Stephen again, but he was nowhere to be found.

“That boy is nothing but trouble.” his father Sentenced. “It’ll be a thousand times better if he weren’t here at all.” And he refused to say anything else.

“He’s the one Misha Collins let go.” Osric’s mom said. “rumors said he killed Jeff Padalecki in front of him, but when was about time to kill Amell he just told him it’ll all be on his conscience and killed himself.” Then Mrs. Chau told him the kind of places Stephen used to be around.

Jensen started going out at night, walking the bad side of town, where ladies were selling and drugs were easy to find, he really needed to find Stephen. He needed to hear the last of the story before leaving town.

He was cornered by a couple girls and a bunch of guys either offering or asking for sex and he felt nauseous. That’s when he sat on a grimy bar looking around. some girls pointed him there, and asked if he was buying and if he wanted to share.

Jensen didn’t even asked what they were talking about.

“The word on streets says you’re looking for Amell.” A dark skinned man sat in front of him. “Name’s Gordon.” He just offered a weak nod. “And Stephen, good old Stephen works for me.”

“I’m Jensen Ackles.” He was revealing his condition by giving his name, just in case his clear dead-ish pupils were not enough. “And my business with Stephen is my business only.” Only then he inched forward leaving his too pale skin and pupils exposed to the entire room. Gordon was up in one second and backing away screaming there was a rotten in their place.

“Calm Down… ” Jensen had changed. The once bitter kid became a powerful monster; he had embraced his new situation and took advantage of it. He still didn’t feel pain. He still didn’t had a beating heart. He still was dominated for the less evolved part of his brain. “I just need Stephen and then I’ll leave you all alone.”

He heard tumbles and screeching chairs and people gasping and cursing. Many of the men in this bar were new, and they thought that the reason for Jensen to be left alone was that he was a especially violent Rotten.

It was a thing of magic, in three second Stephen Amell was produced from somewhere around the back entrance and sat in front of Jensen.

“Hello again Stephen…” Jensen smiled. He was still the goofy boy Misha loved. At least he wanted to believe so even if the look of sheer terror on the face of everyone in the room said differently.

“I need you to leave me alone.” Amell showed him a knife.

“Have you ever seen what happens before a rotten dies?” Everyone had seen it, most rottens fought, as a cornered animal and even if they had to die they took as many as possible with them “And I need you to tell me everything you know about my death.”  Jensen reached for the knife and didn’t felt the sting of the sharp steel entering his skin. “Everything.” He repeated while throwing the weapon away. “now sit, and start talking.”

Stephen smiled but the smile only lasted a couple seconds. “I’ll tell you but I can’t unless I’m at least half drunk.”

Jensen ordered a bottle of bourbon and Stephen drank at least three glasses before starting talking.

“Jeff Padalecki was jealous of you. He didn’t hate you, he…. ”

“Oh Yeah, jealous, that’s why he bullied me every fucking day of…”

Stephen made movement with his hand. “He was jealous. He used to say that if it were his baby brother he’d do the same. That you had so many chances of a better life and you were wasting all of them for a grunt like Misha Collins.” Jensen made a sound that had Stephen at the edge of his chair. “Sorry but he said that every time.”

Stephen looked away for a couple minutes. “He wanted to wear you out and make you leave… but you’re a stubborn son of a bitch.” Stephen took the bottle and gulped from it without even flinching at the burning. “I remember you going around with Olsson, people said he was gay, everybody said that. It was like the worst hidden secret in this fucking town’s history…” Jensen gasped. Ty wasn’t gay, he couldn’t be. “He spent two thirds of his life minding his own business just like the rest of us, until Sheriff Anders found him making out with Misha Collins at the gas station. That was like a month after your brother left.”

“As far as I know things went down between them when you appeared in the picture, I heard around that Josh wanted you to be with Ty.”

Jared snorted and blinked. “I’ve never heard a bigger stupidity.”

“Well… was your brother’s stupidity.” Amell took another swing of the bourbon. “And then Ty got attacked, that’s another big not secret, and Misha just changed goals. But you had to go around making out in public, you fags…” Amell’s eyes watered a little this time. “I can’t stay here… I can’t.” he got up carrying his bottle and left.

Jensen called for him, followed him but the man was gone. Still Jensen went there day after day trying to find him.

It was almost the end of summer when he found him again, right two days before Osric arrived from partially deceased reinsertion camp. He found Amell on an alley where another bum told him he was waiting.

“There you are…” Jensen got close and Stephen broke in tears.

“Why you do this? Why you won’t leave me alone?”

“Because I’m about to leave town and I need to know.”

“The day we found Misha outside Pellegrino’s Jeff didn’t expected you to be inside.” Jensen chuckled remembering the day. So much pain started for one fucking ice cream cone.

“He told him to let you go, told him you had a future and he shouldn’t pull you back.”

“Padalecki had no right to tell Misha what to do or to have an opinion on my life.” Jensen Stated angrily.

“Collins told him that he should come out of the closet and even if he did so he’d never had a chance with you.”  And Stephen chuckled. “Thinking back to that day? We just had some pot, we weren’t really thinking, I wasn’t really thinking and so much happened because of that simple conversation.”

“Jeff went to the hospital after you broke his fingers, he made us lie, Tahmoh and I. We all said a colt broke his fingers. By the time I drove him home we were all regretful of the fight.”

“The next day he was different, he said his baby brother told him something that had him drinking that afternoon, I had to take his car keys and his phone from Sam Ferris. He was hammered, he couldn’t drive.” And Stephen sobbed. “I just wanted to help. I just wanted to…” another sob left his mouth. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry…”

Jensen felt the same painful stab on his chest, something loud and heavy on his ears, his entire body went numb and he couldn’t breathe for the pressure. “It was you? If Jeff didn’t had his phone-” and his mouth fell open, his legs went wobbly and he fell on the floor, his face inches away from the floor because his hands weren’t obeying. “It was you…” he wanted to get angry, but the feeling of abandonment filled him faster. “It was you there.”

“I told you the first time, Jensen, I should be called Mark. I told you I deserve everything that happens to me.”

“Why?” Jensen asked incoherently.

“He was after me, I knew it, word on the streets said he was gay, and a sadist bastard. I was afraid, if he had you, if he had someone else, I’ll be safe. Besides I thought you’d leave, and Jeff would be finally at peace, and the whole town would be thankful, once in my life I wouldn’t have to be behind the fucking perfection of Jensen Ackles and his tragic story.” And Stephen moved his hands from his lap to show a bloody gash on his abdomen. “Jeff came couple days later telling us, he said- he said Jared told him he was gay and-” Stephen sighed. “He said: brother we’re wrong, we did all this and it’s wrong, Jensen doesn’t deserve this, I’m not gonna let my baby brother go through the same.”

“And, and I told him, what I did, what Anders did to you.” Stephen sobbed. “He was so angry.” Jensen was fighting to breath, fighting to keep conscious, this was too much, too painful. “He forced me to give the phone to the police, but I was too much of a coward.”

“We went looking for you, to help. I swear… he wanted to help.” Jensen moved his head trying to make him stop, but he couldn’t produce a sound. “We found you hanging off on that tree while we were going to Krushnick’s farm to talk to you.” Jensen tried to move away once more, but he only felt the same pain again, this time his stomach knotted and he felt like throwing up.

“Jeff told Misha what happened, he told him, and said he was sorry. But it was too late.” Stephen looked at his wound and then to Jensen. “Jeff asked him to let the rest of us leave. He begged for the rest of us, even for me… even for the one that ruined everything.”

“Enough…” Jensen fought to move, wanting nothing more than to go away. “Stop, please.”

“I was there when he was shot, I was there, he said, he asked me to let it rest, when Misha killed himself… when it happened it was my obligation to put all this to rest…”

“Jared is suffering for this.” Roared Jensen as the light was leaving his eyes, everything turned dark and he did his best to hold his phone before finally collapsing with the imperious need to breath.

***

Jared entered the class room and sat near the back, he didn’t have friends and didn’t care for them either, same at work, he felt like he didn’t belong there. He never belonged anywhere since he was 16.

“Welcome to Creative Writing 301, I’m Mrs. Smith.” The lady in front of the class, tall and lean moved to close the door. “I’m gonna be your teacher this semester and you’re gonna understand the process of writing does not come from your brain but from your heart and your very soul as long as you have the tools to understand those voices. And no, mental health issues however unavoidable are not a requirement for this class” people chuckled. “Everyone here had to go through at least two workshops and two classes about writing before joining this class.” She moved to the desk in front of them. “And yet you have no idea of what this semester will carry.” She took a blank page and passed it to the first desk for the students to add their names. “Rules! The basic rule, your desk right now is your desk for the entire semester, remember that. Rule number one; You’ll have homework every class, number two; You will present your homework in white official paper, times new roman font, size 11, 1.5 lines, number three; There’s no excuse to…” the door opened and a tall guy was standing there. “Yes?” Mrs. Smith asked.

“Uh... I’m looking for…” the guy checked the paper in his hand. “Mrs. Smith’s class? Creative Writing 301?”

“Right place, wrong time…” and smiling pointed to the one desk empty at the back. “Guess you’re the last one joining, I heard about you Mr. Ackles” Jared jerked on his desk and the whole room heard the screech of his chair. “Please take your sit and for the rest, that’s the next rule... rule number three; there’s no excuse to be late, EVER! Rule four; this room is to be quiet while we’re working, understood Mr…?” and her eyes fixed on Jared.

“Padalecki, yeah, I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay… now, rule five; This place is for you to learn, so cell phones off, and real life drama stays out too, is that clear?” many nodded and the entire room filled with the rusting of people turning phones off. “By the end of the semester you’ll have to present me with a 20 chapter’s novel about anything you want, as long as it follows the rules of the house.” And moving to the white board she kept talking. “So, what is it you have to know before you start writing?”

It was by the end of the class that Jared was finally approached by Jensen.

“What are you doing here?”

“I came to study, and I can take this class.” Jensen almost smiled. “And I was sent by the people from home. Your parents are trying to reach you…”

“I don’t care.” He was walking away.

“What are you doing?” asked Jensen.

Jared’s long legs carried him away very fast. “Avoiding you.”

“Well, then I shouldn’t tell you Rachel passed away.” Jared stopped and hesitated before keep walking.

Jared saw Jensen the next morning as he walked into campus, Still not back long enough to have his license back. And suddenly he missed something, missed the moments of companionship they shared, the groans Jensen let out every time they got in trouble, which was quite often.

It impacted him so much he even wrote one of his assignments about it. His piece “The willow missing his shadow” granted him the top score on his first quarter and he had girls and boys fawning for him, the sensible brokenhearted poet.

Now imagine the color of his face when a couple kids said that to him; in his face. He couldn’t ignore the short of Jensen or the way he was leaving as fast as he could to not laugh right away.

“Something funny?” Jared asked after him catches up with him.

“No, not really, Oh, great brokenhearted poet.” Jensen smiled. The kind of smiles that makes him crinkle his face.

Jared rubbed his neck and rolled his eyes. “It’s just homework.”

“Yeah I got it, the poor cat almost falling from the cupboard? Like the one from your mother’s birthday?” Jared felt his face getting hot. “Condoms and Joanna?”

Jared had the decency to blush. But before he could say anything else he had to stay behind. He couldn’t follow Jensen to his next class; it was pretty much like reinsertion camp for adults..
Part 9