szarabasjka

Part 1

***

By dinner time, Jared had had enough of the silence and the smell.

“I can’t eat with this monster stench.”

The police snickered.

“Then starve to death, maybe you’ll be back as one of them.” He left a tray of food on the bed before turning to Jensen. “Not sure if you guys need food or not, I slept during my whole class, so tell me, do you want something? Water? Blood? Brains?” he said smiling.

Jensen sat fast, angry, for no reason, as he noticed he felt most of the time.

“Is that a joke? Really?”

The police smiled, green eyes shot open and the guy was motioning with his hands.

“Sorry didn’t mean to offend! My mom came back too, she passed away from cancer and I have my mom back now, she‘s staying with my sister in California, I don’t really know and you hear so much… I thought…”

Jensen sighed. “I’m glad your mom is back.” He lay back down and ignored them again.

By the third pack of fresh blood Jensen’s skin felt tingly and he actually felt cold, not the numb weird feeling he had before, like when you sit on your leg for too long, it was real cold, and he even asked for a blanket to the delight of the police officer.

Jared sat there looking at Jensen as he changed from the pale dark creature to something that could almost be confused to a living man.

“You asked about Collins, why?” was the first attempt of conversation between them.

Jensen turned to his roommate and frowned. “He was my friend.”

“He killed someone, you know?”

Jensen snorted.

“No, man, I don’t know, I was dead.”

Jared wanted to be offended, but the guy said it so matter of fact-ly that he laughed. Both of them laughed.

They had the same routine the next two days, before Jensen was taken back to the hospital.

By day ten Jensen went home and Jared was released.

***

Jensen was back in his old room, he was back to see his father being ashamed of him, and his mom being divided between them.

So he did his best to avoid them, except of course for the time he had to be with his mom, being legally dead he had to complete his treatment to have a license and getting a job or a leasing contract or whatever. So his mom used to drive him to the center and picked him up after his treatment.

And was on one of those days he saw Jared again.

The League of Christian Ladies used to be present at the center at least every other day.

Why? Because sometimes the militia always picked up fights and the violence was taking a toll on the town.

“I used to come here. Before you were sent back.” his mom offered trying as usual to start a conversation with her son. “I prayed for you every day, and I prayed for you to forgive me.” Jensen finally turned to face her. “For how I reacted, for how I treated you, and for not supporting you and…” she couldn’t mouth the name.

“Misha. His name was Misha. I heard he died.” His mother said she knew, Jensen opened the door wanting to leave the car and the memories behind.

“Sweetie… he killed himself with your father’s gun.” Jensen felt a punch in his chest, this was real emotional pain and he should feel grateful and blessed, most zombies didn’t feel that until at least a year after. “We helped with his burial. Your father did his best to find his family.”

“I was his only family.” Jensen finally got off the car. His mother followed him to find herself surrounded by a sea of faces and shouts. The latest outrage was because a lady was found wandering on a road, she was carrying the dead body of her child. The baby wasn’t back.

“Go back to the graveyard you scum!” a small woman with dark hair shouted on Jensen’s face and then spat on him, sadly Mrs. Ackles got in the way and the spit hit the lady’s face. Jared was with the rest of the guys behind her.

“Genevieve Cortesse!” a tall lady moved to them. “I don’t recognize you as the kid from my Sunday class. I can’t believe you did this, you’re going to hell.” The Christian ladies were already helping Mrs. Ackles. Someone else was throwing pig blood to the patients, including a man, who was wearing army fatigues.

Jensen was standing in front of Jared and his militians, some of them carrying guns.

“Go ahead, rotten, do something.” one of the men Threatened.

“Jensen, please, darling.” His mother called for him and Jensen turned and marched away. On his way, he pulled the sleeve of the guy on the fatigues and another patient that was also covered in pig blood. There was a lady holding a scared kid, Jensen was holding his mom’s arm but he still stopped in front of them, and observed surprised that the patient was the kid.

“Hey, I’m Jensen.” the man offered.

“I’m Osric.” The kid mumbled.

“How old were you Osric?”

“Twelve years old.”

Jensen’s mom made a sound and left her son’s side to move closer to Osric’s mom and held her hand.

“Let’s get inside, you’ll get your treatment and I’ll walk you out.” He offered and the kid nodded marching next to his mom and his new friend. When they reached the protesters only one stare from Jensen was enough to make most of them move aside and let them pass.

“Why they fear you?” asked the kid.

“Because I was a monster to them before all this newly alive thing started.” The bitterness in Jensen’s voice made his mother hurt.

“Jared Tristan Padalecki, I can’t believe you’re standing near to this rude bigoted people.”

That tall lady was Jared’s mother and was right now close to her son with scorn in her face and disappointment in her eyes.

“Mother If at least this was fair, if at least Jeff was back like these monsters.”

“You shut your mouth.” Mrs. Padalecki growled. “You don’t get to chose who lives or who dies, you should be grateful that your brother can’t see you acting like this.”

Jared saw as his mother marched to the clinic to stand in the line that protected those coming for treatment.

By the time they went back to the car the protesters didn’t moved just let Jensen pass, they waited until Osric and his mom were gone before going home.

“You’re too quiet, honey, what’s wrong?”

“Mom…” Jensen had one question going around in his head. “Why they hate me?”

“Jensen!!” and the lady sighed. She didn’t say a word until they were home. Once there she marched quietly followed by her son. “Jensen, come to sit with me.”

The man marched into the living room tired, he wanted nothing more than to sit in his bedroom and ignore this so-called life. He sat next to his mother seeing the scrapbook on her arms.

“You asked me why people hate you. Sweetie, nobody hates you, they’re ashamed.”

Jensen snorted but his mother opened her book.

“We heard of the fight with Jeff Padalecki, Tahmoh Pennicket and their good for nothing friends, we heard about Misha being hurt, by the time police called.” She sniffled and cleaned her face showing Jensen the first page, there was a small news paper note.

“Young man kills himself after long time of feud with local gang.”

Jensen snorted “that’s one way to call it.” He kept reading the piece of paper.

*Bullied since the age of 17, this troubled youngster was harbored to take his life after years of torture, according to witnesses, teachers and town folks saw the continuous attacks but nobody ever raised a hand to defend him, not even his parents.

Jensen Ackles age 23 was found dead by the same people that tortured him.*

The article went on and on about how kids are mean and parents are not doing enough to stop it.

“It was like two or three days later that police received a cell phone, no sim card, no registration. It only had few photos on it, they weren’t nice.”

Jensen turned the page to find a pixeled image of him bent down forcefully by a man in uniform.

“We felt terrible, you were telling the truth, and we failed to…”

Jensen was in shock; he stood up and started flipping pages, Misha held by his father on his funeral, pictures of a crime scene, long dark chocolate strands matted with blood, on a body prone, then an obituary for Misha, Jensen had cried since he came back, and he wished this was one of those moments when he could cry, but nothing, not one tear came to his eyes. He never before understood the cleansing power of tears in grief.

“So, this fucking bunch of papers made it all okay? I’m supposed to be grateful because of any of this shit?”

“Jensen!” his mother backed away afraid.

“Am I supposed to say that it’s okay? You all ruined my life!!”

“Jensen Ross Ackles.” His father was there. “rules still apply to you in this house, and you’re not allowed to swear in front of your mother.”

Jensen was even angrier. His father never backed down, never even broke eye contact.

“I know I ruined your life, I know! I’ve spent nights and days thinking on how I could’ve saved your life.” The older man‘s voice broke. “I understood that losing you over who you love is not worth it.”

“Well, you still loosed me.” Jensen started walking away.

***

Jared went home, it was too much, not only his mother scalded him in public, she also said she was disappointed.

He hated this life so much, he had no real friends, he had not someone that cared for him and the small space of life he really had was filled with hatred. This was not the life he wanted.

Tossing his keys to the table near the door he saw the frame, Jeff was shirtless and was smiling. Jared stared at it. That was the last picture taken of his brother. It was from the day he finally came and told him they’ll be fine.

Dad was trying out a camera, and he remembers the words. *Okay, you two, kids. Get together for a picture.*

“Hello Jeff.” He said caressing the picture and moving straight to the freezer to get a beer.

It took him only a couple hours to be more than half drunk, enough for him to sleep when the phone rang.

“Hello, jay.”

It was his father.

“Hi, dad…” he knew what was coming, sure his mother had told him.

“Jared, listen this has to be short, your mother’s birthday is next week and we0’re throwing a surprise party.” He said in hushed voice. “Could you be here on Wednesday for dinner?”

“Dad, I don’t think she wants me there at all… ”

“I know about your encounter at the center…” his father said cold. “But is her birthday, I want her loved ones here.”

“Sure, I’ll be there, then. Should I bring something?”

“Just… just come and don’t make her sad. Okay?”

Jared rolled his eyes and promised he’d be good.

***

It was Monday morning when Jensen’s mom was stopped on one of her errands. Jensen stared at a dog, poor thing was walking alone and had no collar. He knew this poor dog, he had seen him around the health center. But then someone said his name and it called his attention.

“… I’ll be waiting for you, God knows we need something to cheer us up.”

“Sure, I’m making a pie for her, you think she’d like that?”

The man started saying his wife would love it.

“See you on Wednesday Donna, thank you, see you on Wednesday at dinner time Jensen.”

“I don’t need to eat.” He said without emotion at all.

“But you will, kid, you will, and you better come to my place and have a good time. Have some drinks”

“I don’t need to drink.”

“Then you’ll sit in front of me and watch me drink.” His mother provided. “Don’t worry Gerry we’ll be there.”

***

Wednesday came too fast for Jensen’s liking, he was ordered to dress up and get ready to go out at six thirty.

And then he sat as a sulky teenager on the back of his parent’s car was carried to a dinner party.

Wednesday, Jared got ready and went to see his parents. his mom was on a League’s meeting. They had time to get things ready, friends and family started arriving, he was blowing balloons when the bell ringed one more time.

Jared and Jensen looked at each other’s eyes the second the door opened.

“Good night Jared.” Offered mayor Ackles and the boy lowered his eyes and let them in without a word, not until Jensen moved to pass the door, Jared stopped him fighting against his convictions. This, this monster coming to his mother’s birthday as if it were okay was too much for him to accept.

“Something wrong Son?” Gerry was coming closer very fast. “Jensen, do come in, boy, so nice to see you guys.” the man Offered to the Ackles family. “This wouldn’t be a party if you weren’t here.”

While their parents moved inside Jensen turned to Jared, killer look on his face at the idea of the man not letting him in because he was a partially deceased.“ anything to say?” Jensen asked.

“No. not tonight.”

“Because I’m not a scared 12 years old?”

“Because is my mom’s birthday and if you knew my mother, you’ll know you shouldn’t piss her off.”

Jensen’s face twitched, it could’ve been a smile.

“I wouldn’t be here, but my mom is just like that.”

Both boys half smiled.

There was at least 50 people in the house, tables were set on the back yard and a grill was started, a whole pig was roasting in it and beers and soft drinks were offered to everyone.

Jared’s dad took his phone and whistled, his wife was arriving with one of the ladies from the league.

Jensen felt everything like a log haze, shouts and laughter and lights and people hugging and pushing him around and asking him stupid questions, offering him food or drinks.

It was getting late when the younger of the guest joined him on the table he was, they were all talking about him.

“Man, having a second chance can’t be that bad.” Commented a young boy, couldn’t be older than 18.

“I guess, but my friends all moved on.”

“Maybe is time for you to make new friends.” a red head girl with a sweet smile offered. “Have you any new friend?”

Jensen turned at her.

“Yes, I have one new friend, his name is Osric.”

Jared sat next to him.

“Isn’t that the 12 year old my friends were picking on?”

“Yes, that’s him, and I won’t let anyone pick on him ever!”

One of the boys, a little drunk commented on how it was not possible now.

“Don’t think you have to worry about that, everyone would protect him if he’s picked on or bullied.” He took another swing of his drink. “Back when we were in middle school? That was terrible; there were a couple guys that killed themselves because of it.” The dark haired girl who spat on Mrs. Ackles -and already said she was sorry- kicked him in the shin.

“I know, I was one.” Jensen let out flatly. The whole table got quiet and the boy bit his lips and didn’t spoke again.

“I hope you don’t mind me asking.” A pretty girl who was using a cane asked to Jensen “where were you? Before, I mean.”

“I don’t know.”

“Is there an afterlife?”

“Rache…” Jared tried to stop her.

“No, really I need to know.” She put her cane down. “I have MS, I might die soon, I need to know.”

Jensen looked at her.

“To me, there was nothing, but of course I wasn’t a good person. Osric told me he was on park all the time.” Jensen faced the girl. “You’re nice, and you look like a good person, I bet you’re gonna have a nice place to go.” The girl’s eyes filled with tears and sweet looking red head, Anna, hugged her.

“I don’t know why you killed yourself but…” Gen’s boyfriend and overgrown annoying full of himself guy started a long tyrade.

Suddenly everything went foggy for Jensen, and he couldn’t think straight.

“I just don’t understand why they have to pretend they’re regular people.”

Jensen finally followed the line of the conversation to see Jared’s eyes on him, the man was worried.

“To me is the same thing over and over, the same hate, people used to hate me because I wasn’t like the rest. And once they got over that, they hate the next thing that’s not like the rest, first religion, the race, then sexual orientation, now living status, tomorrow people will be born with something different due to evolution and we’ll hate it ignoring the *rottens*.”

“But you’re making it so simple.” The same giant ass started

“It is simple.” Jensen continued. “You hate my kind.” He pointed to Genevieve. “Why?”

“Because is not natural.” She said fast. “Because I believe that something like death should be final, and because your kind- as you said- does not pay taxes or get a job for long periods of time yet you ask for treatments and for money that could be used in someone that is productive to this society and…” one of their friends raised a hand cutting her.

“Let me cut you there, sweetheart.” A guy that identified himself as Jeremy answered. “face it, you’re afraid of what you don’t know, I’m with Jensen, you guys are just afraid of what you don’t know, or as in Jared’s case think is not fair because your dead ones remained dead, My father passed away in 2009, and he didn’t came back, that doesn’t mean I have to hate Jensen.” and turning to the boy. “Nature did what she wanted, once more.”

Jensen smiled, a reflex, he still had no idea why, debate rose, everyone was giving hateful opinions and Jensen felt his patience running thin.

“People hate things they don’t know, as simple as that, I was hated before being a zombie, I was hated for the simple fact that I was gay and that I had a boyfriend.” Genevieve’s head snapped to Jared’s direction while Jensen got up. “And you can try to find a reason.” He said facing Gen and her boyfriend. “that doesn’t change the fact that you are bad people.” He moved away. “Excuse me.”

Jensen moved to the other end of the yard seeing kids running with fireworks and couples dancing. Among those dancing were two guys, nobody made a fuss about them. And Jensen hated for that.

“You okay?” Jared sat next to him.

“Dominant paleocortex, I was getting angry and I’ve been said I have to avoid stimuli when it happens.”

“You’re gay?” asked Jared blunt and Jensen squared his shoulders, ready for the fight.

“Yes and this fucking town never forgive me for that.”

“I know one thing.” Jared frowned. “My brother didn’t hate you.” And with real hate in his voice. “He was killed because he found your body.”

“Jared, Jeff Padalecki and that stupid red pickup truck gang was the first thing I saw in my nightmares since I remember.”

“Bullshit.”

“I was seeing Misha. I was supposed to move with Misha that Christmas.”

“MY brother was very supportive; I came out to him few days before Collins... before he killed him.”

“Misha killed your brother?”

“Yes.”

Jensen faced Jared, things weren’t clear. So he asked for an explanation, wanted to know what happened.

“I don’t really know, I came home that day. School was cancelled because of the shooting.” Jared sat next to Jensen and his eyes were fixed in some point around his parents dancing and some kids sharing candy. “We were sent home. Sheriff Anders offered me a ride, and I heard his radio, they said there was a man, running around shooting people. They mentioned his name Misha Collins, 25. They said to look out for the red pickup gang, that was Jeff, and Tahmoh, and JD, and few others, they said three were dead already.” And sighing, Jared continued. “I was sixteen, and I was scared that my brother was killed.”

“…and he was…” Jensen added in the same emotionless flat voice.

“Yes, he was dead, I couldn’t even go to the burial, I came home and my parents packed me to a boarding school in Boston that same night. I never heard of what happened to Jeff.”

“My brother Josh was part of the red pickup truck gang too. He was two years older than me.” Jensen confessed. “He moved out of town because he said the guys left were mean and nothing good would happen with them. I wonder what they did to Misha for him to react like that.”

Jared sighed, remembering the pictures of Jeff and some older guys from the group.

The red pickup truck gang wasn’t a real gang, just young people who never left town that used to buy a red pickup truck as their first car, most of them left the so-called gang once married or once life took them away or into responsibilities. Josh Ackles moved on because he was sent by his parents to college against his will. That was the perfect example of how guys moved on.

“I wanted nothing more than to be old enough to have one of those stupid trucks.” Jared snorted.

“My brother left me his. But I was not good enough for that club.”

“My brother… I came out to him, and he said nobody will hurt me because of who I loved.”

“And that was the very reason why Misha and I got hurt all the time.” Jared made a sound and Jensen faced him. “So, you’re gay”

Someone stopped the music and the lights went down while Jared’s father came out with the giant cake Gen’s mom baked for her.

Jared ran to help and everybody started singing Even Jensen.

Jensen was forced to have a slice of cake, even if he couldn’t hold it in his stomach, he was coming out of the bathroom after he throwed up to find Jared walking out with more beers.

“You okay?” Jared surprised himself with those words.

“Mrs. May forced me to eat some cake… I can’t eat yet…”

Jared moved closer to look at him, Jensen did looked rosier these days but still was dead pale and now the light tinge of green made him smile.

“You look half dead.”

Jensen eyes shot to Jared, and he tried to ignore the joke, tried not to find it offensive and out of nowhere as if it were bubbling inside of him causing steam, laughter exploded out of him. So hard and so loud it surprised both boys Jared’s mom innocent cat and both got still when the music suddenly stopped and voices asking what have been that noise were asked from the backyard.

Jared looked around and turned back to Jensen who had a hand over his mouth and a look of mortified horror.

“Didn’t know you could do that…” Jared commented while giving Jensen few of the beers.

“Neither do I… I think is the first time I laugh in more than five years.”

Once they gave the beers to those still around Jared sat next to Jensen, he might be more violent and had super strength but he was always tired, as if his body weren’t full awake yet.

“Look at them.” Jensen commented feeling Jared near him, they were the last young people there, and most of the others were older, around the age of their parents. “I wanted nothing more than that.”

“What? Cheesy music and out of fashion clothes?” Jared laughed while tilting his beer once more.

“Have you ever been inlove Jared?” Jensen faced his new friend. “So absurdly inlove that you think the world is great when he’s with you and the worst place ever when not? That no matter what you’ll fight to be near the person you love?” Jared was looking at him. Jensen could feel the weight of his eyes on him. “A love so big that you feel your heart will stop if that one person doesn’t love you back?” Jared gasped. “I loved Misha that much. I was just in too much pain and I was ashamed and was too proud and too scared of saying the truth, and now everything I loved is gone.”

Jared swallowed the beer on his mouth and the painful lump on his throat.

“Not everything, your parents are here, and your brother and sister, they love you” Jensen let out one of those grunts every rotten… partially deceased - Jared corrected himself- let out when angry. Your father… he did so much for you, you gave this whole town a new life, to me, to guys like Danny and Ethan.”

“But what about Misha?” Jensen got quiet, felt his fingers numb and his teeth were shaking and his legs felt like coils pulled taut. He had cried since he came back, he thinks he did, but he still couldn’t cry for his lover. Jensen got up, his hands flexing as if holding something, his muscles tense and he walked into the night.

People went home after good byes and more hugs and congratulations. There were only few families left, old friends chatting and having fun. Jared wished he could have that one day, but Zachary went to college and he was left alone, at the corner of his eye he saw someone moving, he saw Jensen sitting near the house and moved to talk to him.

“I did.” Jared sighed before taking a sit next to Jensen and keep talking. “You know… love someone.” And his finger played with the bottle trying not to say anything too stupid. “At school, he was one year ahead and I loved him from the moment he sat next to me for breakfast the first day.” And sighing again got up “but it didn’t work out and we should change subjects because I don’t want to sound like some kind of stupid novel.” He moved to pick up some dishes cleaning a table, by the time he was back from the kitchen Jensen had more dishes in a pile and was cleaning napkins and empty glasses.

They worked together to leave the house as clean as it was before the party, Jared told Jensen how their parents became friends because of the tragedy, how the whole town became something different, and how the whole town was there when Misha was laid down to rest.

“When we walked this fucking town.” Jensen was holding a glass. “People didn’t even turn to see him, nobody even answered when he greeted them. They were all praying for my soul. Because I let myself be corrupted by that depraved man from the city. They stopped me on the street to say how I was going to hell. Misha was a good person and still he was beaten to an inch of his life by the same people that were on that picture my mother has on her stupid book. Yet they had the guts to go to his burial?”

Jared took the glass from Jensen’s hand, grasping his hand. Weirdly he was warm. Jared thought all rottens were cold.

“It surprises me too, he killed my brother. I wasn’t here. I read it on a newspaper.” Jared stopped his hands on the soapy water and faced Jensen with a frown and a brilliant idea. “You know there’s this center, Hopeful Hearts. It has a library, everything from this town’s history. After you died this place became something of a beacon supporting same sex couples rights and all that.“

Jensen looked at him not understanding his reasoning.

“I always wanted the answers my parents won’t give me and other avoid… and maybe you could… you know.” Jensen had his eyes closed trying to rein his temper.

“Are you saying that there’s a whole center dedicated to gay couples? As if we were circus freaks?”

Jared rolled his eyes.

“You’re missing the point, I’m sure we can find answers there, to know about my brother and to know about your boyfriend.”

Jensen felt himself calm down, it was weird, only his mom could call him out of the fog.

They agreed to go to the center the next weekend when Jensen didn’t have treatment and Jared weren’t working. But then Osric had an episode of rage, as they called to those moments of inevitable anger triggered by some memory. Jensen got in the middle of the fight and ended up confined for the weekend. At least Osric would have a friend

part 3