Story: Beating Heart In the Flesh AU, zombies fic, homophobia, self harm, suicide, characters death

[szarabasjka]

Part 1
Part 2

***

Jared came home frustrated, he didn’t want to over think the fact that he was looking forward to see Jensen again. Maybe it was because he was Jeff’s age, maybe because he was gay, maybe because that cold bitterness Jensen irradiated was like a definition of what he felt inside.

He stayed for a while trying to find something to do. He finally gave up when the curtain and a fishing cane looked to him like a lacrosse stick, and he turned and saw someone on the TV screen with clear eyes that looked to him like Jensen’s.

He had a beer and the coldness of the bottle made him think about the warmth of Jensen’s hand.

Frustrated, and surprised he sat looking to the window, thinking about the first time he felt attraction for anyone. He was hardly 13 when he saw the last game of his brother’s time in school. he remembers green eyes and a smile that could melt the poles, and a laughter that sounded weir and endearing. He felt inadequate and small and stupid for liking a guy Jeff’s age. And felt like he couldn’t breathe because he liked a guy.

“Enough!” Jared jumped to his feet and ran out of the house without aim.

Once he filled his tank and bought gummy bears he decided one thing, he’d go to the health center. He’d visit Jensen.

The door opened and the green eyed police officer he saw the first day when he met Jensen was there.

“What are you doing here? Are your people coming too?”

Jared felt his face hot while asking to see Jensen. A lady nurse led him to see his new friend.

Jensen was sitting on the bed looking to a small form in the bed next to his. The small body was restrained, but was still trying to get free, twisting and turning and groaning.

“Hey.” Jared greeted moving closer. “Heard you couldn’t make it, so I came to visit…”

He could finally see the person tied to the other bed, it was the 12 years old kid.

“What happened to him?”

Jensen didn’t turn.

“Ask him, he’s angry but he can hear you.” Jared felt stupid when he started.

“Hey kid, I’m Jared, I’m here to see Jensen. We’re friends now…” the young body turned.

“You hate us, our kind why would you want to see him!!” and he let out a growl so scary Jared moved back in fear. “Don’t you dare to hurt him. I’ll rip your eyes out!!”

Jensen moved forward and stood near the bed.

“He’s right, we’re friends Os…”

The kid blinked, the same empty clear pupils from every rotten…- partially deceased!- reminded himself Jared once more, were fix on Jensen.

“I never had a cool nickname before… Os, sounds great.” And Osric smiled, calming down a bit. “I guess I’d have a cool nickname if it weren’t for the leukemia.” The kid kept pulling on his restrains.

Jared looked around.

“What’s that?” Osric was looking at the bag of gummys peeking out of Jared’s pocket.

“Candy…” He got some on his hand and looked around. “Can you... can you eat?” and turning to Jensen. “He throwed up after he got cake…”

Osric had a smile on his face.

“You throwed up after eating cake Jay?” and the kid snickered.

Jensen nodded.

“I’m like a month old Os, I’m not quite ready for food…” and looking at Jared and the gummys. “What about you?” asked to his new friend.

“I’ve been here for almost a year already… my mom was scared of taking me to the center because of the militia.” Jared felt uncomfortable and said he was sorry. “I’m already eating jell-o and soup.” Osric sounded as if it were an achievement.

“You think you can handle this?” Jared got close even when Jensen tried to stop him; Osric growled and started moving trying to grab anything that was close to him.

“I can I know, hurry!!”

Jensen got close too, holding Osric’s hand to stop him. “Breathe kid, and he’ll give you candy.”

It was as if the candy were a drug because in seconds Osric had his eyes closed and was still.

“I haven’t seen him this relaxed in two days.” Jensen let out a sigh. “Thank you.”

Jared sat next to him ignoring the words.

“How come you can’t eat while the thing I…*killed* found after it murdered a man was preparing fries and chicken nuggets?”

“She!” Jensen corrected him. “I’ve heard of that, I’ve heard of you killing a woman after she murdered the guy who beat her and her child. Did you even ask why the kid was asleep in the couch?” Jared blinked. “She’s kind of a legend in the center. The kid had bruises all over his body. She made the bastard who abused her son when she died pay for what he’d done”

Jared’s mouth fell open, and he killed a woman who was only defended her kid and making dinner for him. Suddenly all this made no sense, not at all, for a start can you kill what no longer is alive?

“HEY!” Jared blinked and noticed the clear eyes of Jensen on him. “Seems like you don’t like that.”

Jared let out a breath and messed his hair.

“No I don’t…”

Kevin had his eyes closed but was humming.

“You didn’t know and apparently many things had been said about the people like me…”

“That’s so stupid…”

Jared was mad without a reason and he got up moving fast to the door.

“Jared?”

The soft childlike voice from Osric stopped him dead on his tracks.

“Can I have some more gummy bears please?” Jared moved back and offered the kid some more, this time Osric smiled, a real honest to God smile.

***

Jensen had to walk across the parking lot of the center as usual asking to see Jared among the picketers, one of the guys got close with a bucket of pig blood and Jensen turned at him. “I dare you, I’m not like the others, and I would kill you.”

Jensen’s mom was late and he needed to talk to Jared about their aborted trip.

“Calm Down your rotten boots, kid.” Gen’s asshole boyfriend was in front of him. “What you need?”

“I’m looking for Jared. I need to speak with him.”

Even for a giant ass as Genevieve’s partner he was quite decent. Jensen thanked him and walked away, as usual most people just let him pass, not even daring to lock eyes with him.

He took the cell phone he had and called mom, told him he was walking to a friend’s house.

“Who? Jensen you cannot go around on your own you know that…”

“I’m gonna be okay mother. I’ll be seeing Jared.”

So he walked, once at Jared’s home he felt his resolution fly away, how can he just knock on the door and say what? *Hi. We’re supposed to go find out what happened to your brother and my lover!*

He didn’t have to, a car stopped behind him and Jared came out of it.

“Jensen?” Jared was dressed in slacks and a button down. And he felt weird standing on his driveway in front of Jensen.

“I’m sorry for coming without invitation.” he moved closer to Jared. “I think we still have to take a ride.”

Jared nodded and asked him to get in the house while he changed. Once alone in his room Jared felt stupid, he was trying on his third shirt and rolled his eyes in dismay.

He took another one, the first from the drawer and walked out looking for his keys and coat, he found Jensen holding Jeff’s picture. The guy on the picture had his fingers covered in something white.

“That’s Jeff.” Jared Informed. “You remember him?”

Jensen felt the short circuits on his brain firing again. It was like reviving everything a bit at the time.

“What happened to his hand?”

Jared moved closer, he couldn’t remember.

“I think he had an accident, he said some kind of animal attacked him.”

Jensen had flashes in his head, he remembers he went into the ice cream parlor while Misha was waiting for him outside checking on some pumpkins to take home for Halloween. He could almost taste the blackberry and cream flavored he picked for himself. He chose passion fruit and papaya for Misha, the freak always like this kind of weird things.

He passed the door and saw the group of people bunching around something. He looked around and couldn’t find his boyfriend. Jensen felt once more the same anger, and saw flying long brown hair flying over the face of the guy, the one that was punching Misha in the face. The guy turned when Jensen shouted and he finally saw his face.

A Crack called Jensen attention while Jared was taking the framed picture from his hands.

“What the fuck, Jensen!” the glass was broken and Jared cut his hand while taking it away from the rotten’s hand.

“I have to go…” Jensen was disoriented. He kept seeing flashes of Misha trying to pry him away from the man, while the rest were running away, stupid boys, he said, all looking the same, all with the same stupid haircut.

“Wait!” Jared held his arm. “What happened? I thought we were going to the memorial center…” it wasn’t Jensen’s fault Jared knew it the moment the fist hit his face. Something had to be wrong with his friend.

Jensen felt as if he were trapped inside a movie. “I’m gonna make you pay stupid, I’m gonna make you pay!!” He had the guy’s shirt on one hand while the other kept landing over and over on his face, someone was holding him, it has to be Misha, because it felt gentle, the guy tried to hold his wrist, it had blood on his fingers when Jensen twisted them back until they cracked loud. He felt how someone let him go and the next thing he could focus on was Sheriff Anders, Sheriff Mark H Anders, was the plate on his desk.

“Little things like you must learn a lesson. Boy” and he bent over Jensen's chair inhaling on his hair. “I guess it’s because you look so much like a girl, a pretty, very pretty girl.” Someone chuckled behind them and Anders looked over Jensen’s head. “wanna watch? Huh?” the man looked around and Jensen noticed he was alone. There were no other people.

He noticed his feet heavy as he stumbled out Jared’s house gasping for air- it surprised him, he hadn’t felt he was breathing until now- he felt again the pain and the shame, behind his back he could see a man, shaggy brown hair, very tall, laughing and saying dirty things, how he wanted to go next, how he should be a good bitch.

“You know what I wonder?” Anders asked while something was shoved into him. “Who is the bitch? Your freak boyfriend? Maybe you? Because nobody can deny it, you’re pretty, with those lips… Damn, those slutty lips.” Jensen heard the sound of the camera going off over and over and blinked trying to keep all that behind. Then he noticed a car in front of him when it honked the horn for him to stop.

Jensen couldn’t recognize the street he was on. He could hear voices in his head and felt the burning sensation around his waist and lower back, searing pain. He felt his legs as if weighted a ton. “This is for your own good buddy, maybe that freak won’t want you now… you could have a normal life.” Anders groaned against his back. “But I could do this forever.” And with a moan the man came inside of him, praising him, how good he felt, how tight he was.

He sat and held his head on his hands. He sat there until it was dark and he could control his thoughts, he wasn’t ready to face his parents.

After a long while he finally had the courage, Jensen took the phone his mother had him carrying and speed dialed 1

“Jensen!!, OH My God!” His mom sobbed and Jensen started crying too, none of them said a word until Jensen’s dad took the phone.

“What happened? Where the fucks are you?”

“I don’t know…” Jensen sobbed and closed his eyes trying to concentrate. “I remember dad, and I felt it again, like it happened today, it won’t leave me alone, I remembered that day.” Another sob and silence from his father. After a couple second he heard a sigh.

“Son, I’m going to pick you up, don’t move, and don’t do anything stupid, This time I’ll protect you, on my life, Jensen, this time you’re not alone.”

He was sitting on a sidewalk by the time the lights of his dad car illuminated him, and in seconds he had his father’s arms around him, while he sobbed desperate his father was promising everything would be alright, Jensen couldn’t see how.

***

Jared had to wait another three days to see Jensen, he was still surprised for how his friend, he thinks about a rotten as a friend, go figure, couldn’t see him again. It was ridiculous, both were way older than this, yet here he was asking to Jensen’s mom if he could come out to talk to him.

“Jensen is not feeling well, sorry Jared.” It shouldn’t hurt him this much.

So he comes every day until Mrs. Ackles let him in.

Jensen was on his bed back to the door, his shoulders shaking and the soft sounds of how he was crying. Actually, tears streaming down his face. An IV line was attached to a very pale arm. Jared stopped at the door surprised.

“Doctor ordered him to stay home, he has to avoid stimuli Jared, please… don’t make him upset.”

“What happened?  Jensen’s mom turned and was about to speak when they heard the voice.

“Why don’t you ask the rotten instead?”

Jensen’s mom tried not to let her sob be heard. Jared caressed her shoulder looking at her eyes meaningfully as he entered the room. He moved to sit at the edge of Jensen’s bed against his friend’s back.

“Okay. What happened. Jensen?” he had no answer. “You left and I was really scared you weren’t felling okay.” Once more he glanced at the door Jensen’s mom was watching.

“I am a very fucked up creature.” He made a sound you could be confused with a chuckle or a sob.

“Something happened when you saw my brother’s picture.”

For a beat there was no answer.

“Jensen? Do you remember my mom’s birthday party?” Jensen let out a noncommittal sound. “You said my brother was in your nightmares. But you still had no memories, why you said that?” and taking a deep breath bracing himself for whatever was to come. “D-did he hurt you? Did he forced… did he force you to…”

“No, I killed myself for a different reason, but your brother and his friends knew why…” Jensen finally let out a sigh, as if his tears were over. “I did all that to myself.”

“I just… I wish you could get better soon.” Without thinking Jared’s hand was resting on Jensen’s arm.

“Go away…” Jensen let out in a growl. “I’m still too angry to talk…” Jared could hear the crunching of teeth. “Please, I don’t want to …”

He stopped talking, Jared was up and moving.

“I’ll be back tomorrow…” offered Jared. “I’ll bring a book or something, so I can distract you.”

“You don’t have to.”

“But I want to… I’d bring gummy worms but I don’t think you can eat them.”

“Is not like depression, stupid. This is emotions coming back. You cannot change what’s not under control yet.”

“I’ll try.”

“Do you know? Is this out of pity or Guilt? Is this about your brother?” sniffling. “about what happened?”

Jared stood there, something cold and heavy filled his stomach.

“Is there something you remember about Jeff?”

Someone knocked at the door, a tall man with green eyes and red lips faced him.

“You should leave.”

“I’m just…”

“You’re just here bothering my baby brother, he needs peace, he needs time to recover not someone picking on him. OUT!”

Josh Ackles wasn’t a big man. Not even as tall as Jensen and he weren’t as muscular either, but he had this aura of power and Jared had to obey.

Once on the hallway he spoke again.

“Is your militia bothering partially deceased in their homes now?”

No matter how hard he tried the man didn’t let him explain himself. Still he vowed he’ll be back the next day to see his friend.

***

Jensen opened his eyes feeling a deep ache, a pressure in his stomach and a feeling of despair. He blinked was it fear? Were the memories again?

Suddenly something hot moved on his leg and he got up loudly. Stumbled out of the bedroom and ran into the bathroom cursing loudly. He was peeing.

The sound of struggle and then the liquid splashing porcelain had his parents up in seconds.

Jensen’s mom cried seeing her son doing something as natural and common as peeing.

Josh joined them and observed as his brother asked his mom to leave the bathroom and please close the door while still peeing.

“Come on. Dear.” Mayor Ackles held his wife and pushed her out of the bathroom, but she wouldn’t go far from the door.

“Why are you so excited about, mom, he’s just peeing…”

Josh was as excited as his mom, this meant only one thing: the treatment was working. His brother was almost human again.

“Tell me you’re not gonna take pictures, like the ones from when you were potty training him…” mumbled the oldest Ackles rubbing his stomach and yawning.

Jensen groaned from inside the bathroom.

“Yes, Jay, we still have those pictures.” Josh taunted before turning around and going back to bed.

The next morning Jensen finally walked around the house like before his episode, the IV was pulled out the night before but no blood came out, which meant his platelets were working, which mean his blood was working too.

He found his mom sipping a cup of coffee. It was way too early for anything else.

“Mom?” she turned smiling, it felt as if she were proud of him for peeing, which made no real sense.

“Hello honey, we’re going to the doctor in an hour, get ready…” and moved closer to him hugging him and kissing his cheek.

Something was still stinging at Jensen’s mind. Something else was happening.

“Mom? Why is Josh here?”

He could hear his dad humming softly as he entered the kitchen.

“sweetie.” His mom started. “I don’t want you having any other episode… just because you’re in this small town with all those memories in every fucking corner…”

Mrs. Donna Ackles never swears, never! So hearing that wrd on her mouth made Jensen believe he understood.

“You want me to leave? With him?”

“It’s for the best.” Mr. Ackles got close to them, just in case his wife would need protection. “You spent almost a week attached to your bed, Son. We don’t want you to have a reason to feel like that again, people in this town are-” he couldn’t complete the sentence before Jensen shouted.

“You just wanna get rid of your shame! Let’s get rid of the black sheep, Your inconvenient little freak!”

“It’s for your own safety!” shouted his father.

“I’m afraid.” His mother was almost crying. “I don’t want to lose you again. Can’t you for once hear our side of the story before getting all worked up over nothing?”

Jensen sat and heard how his parents had nightmares those first ten days he was on the center, how they feared the regret the whole town felt for what he was forced to do and for the abuse he endured will run down and they’ll start harassing him again.

“And, my wife? She will love you baby bro, her sister came back too, she has experience in zombies sensorial rehab.”

The fog was back, Jensen only heard mumbling under the acute sound of anger on his ears..

Part 4