two things.
first!!

OMG JENSEN IS FORTY YEARS OLD!!
and my life is changing forever more i like a week..
more details soon

 remember when i was innocent and nive and thought this job was a good idea with a far better enviroment than the last one? I was SOOOO wrong!!

first of all there are people leaving every now and then like in any jobm the bad part is when one of the long time ones sudenly is fired in front of patients and staff.
it was so humiliating!! it was horrible.

it only results in one thing, I'm havig even more time now.

Next.

R and I kinda worked our differences before new years eve, and we're on far better good terms, in such good terms I spent my only three free hours yesterday with him just diriving around because neither of us dared to go anywhere for the risk of me falling asleep.
he's the sweetest tolerating my exhausted ass and being sweet.

and then he has to scare me shitless with his crazy ideas.

 I have noticed something.
all of the amazing peoplei used to follow on LJ ad oter sites are getting old or tired of journals/blogs and leaving and i ave this weird feeling of being left alone on a party.i do have -lilke I bet most of them- real life stuff to deal with before this thing but still miss them all.
I long for a time when i spent the afternoon reading nonsense and laughing,

-0-
last saturday R was waiting for me outside work but he got tired because I was almost 30 mins late and left right when i was coming out.it realy hurt, things are not as good as they used to be, so much we havent even called each other since then, not to mention that now I'm a far more busy person than i was when we started dating.
 -o-
backback baaaaack in the time when I was just a low med student in their first hospital practice I met this guy, an already somewhat famous specialist; now a real big name, D, happens that I'm working with him now, and he is an amazing person who does remember me... that's the problem with me, i'm not easy to forget but I'm impossible to remember lol.
-o-

I simply stopped writing, not even a couple lilnes a day, it feels wrong in some way...

-0-

so that life is messy and my head is disperse....

 So yeah, I got better and I'm working again, for those who knew about my financial crisis after my friend left me without any money, a bunch of bills and a practice I had to close and all that... well i finally am on my feet again!! YAY ME!! NOW a year and a half (more like two years) I can finally talk about spending money, about going to places and the first thing is a christmas list the size of Iraq!! my family (all those mean bastards and crazy girls) deserve decent present this year!

also, can you give me a couple tips on what to buy for a guy? I mean... I used to give them movies or Videogames or a scarf they would never wear but I liked, things that you don't really care for, but... R is different.. and i feel stupid thinking like that.
I just answered to Kelly's messasge  and it got me thinking about what I wrote, it is true, sometimes when I'm in a social situation with R I got all weird and looking at myself and my behavior is like watchign Sheldon Cooper trying to be normal (not the smart part just the socially inadequacy ) and he's been so sweet and undertanding it frustrates me; he just keeps gettign sweeter, and giving me this looks, like I'm so freaking funny ort interesting to look at.
Sometimes I wish he weren't so okay with me not being like every other girl in his life, and I freak out and want to push him away just to notice I don't really want to.
for once in my entire life I'm the corny (embarassingly I  have to admit) idiot that sends good night messages and wakes up to messages from him.
and when I tihnk he can't be  any more perfect he told me he doesn't like pumpkin spice (which I hate with the force of a thousand suns) flavored stuff. I laughed and told him "I'd kiss you for that." he smiled like the bastard he is and said he'd never in his life try anything pumpkin or any other specal flavor if I promise to keep doing it durign the next dozen holydays and I'm and idiot for blushing t the mention of this....

so yeah... life is not even that bad, I'm tired as hell and smiling at the bing of a message in my phone....*slaps herself and sigh* I'm doomed.
he even is taking me to watch Dylan O'Brien's movie because he knows I like the kid... 

 things are a mesws, I'm tired, I'm bored and I've been working like a dog...
I love my life.
R is fine, even if we had to... like not see each other for over a week again (seriously, is this what adult relationships are like?)

I'm still hunting for a place that kind sark my interest.
and of course every day on the train I have this small thing kicking the back of my seat, "are you done? are you done? are you gonna update? are you gonna write again?" it is kinda freaky when I have the urge to turn artound and snap at it to cut it off or i'll delete every file on the tablet.... 

but I'm sorry I've been not writing so stories/fics/drabbles are on hold for a bit longer.

pretty much that.. life is fine, for once, even if I'm not where I was supposed to be, even if I'm not how I was supposed to be and even if I survived yet another year without him. it took a lot of effort to do things like usual this month.

some say Always, Some say Okay, Some say Forever, I'd be forever Sorrow. becvause in Spetember Sorrow means so much more.

<i>"Sweet Merry Doll" he greeted with a dismissive smile. "I've seen teh BlackEagle fight, a sweet merry doll like you cannot order me around, go back and tell your mistress I'll only deal with someone born on a noble cradle." the lady, almost half a foot shorter moved closer after jumping down her horse, her banner still high in the hands of her esquire. 
"sweet you call me, thought I'm not, nor I'm merry... and Doll?" her eyes ablaze with blottled fury and power and her face as cold and hard as stone. " I am no doll unless Dolls have claws and fangs and fire..." the man backed away scared of the fierce creature in front of him, and the clothe that seemed flames on her hair that the wind was waving aroud. She smiled; her sword already out of the sheet. "you will respect Irina Borkbal, from the Crown House of the dessrts of fire, or I'll have you fearing her."
the knights snickered as she went back and in one fast jump was on her stallion. "show me the way... My Lord, for your Queen is waiting for me."
the man looked startled to the small group, the simple braid tied with rbbons like fire and the plain clothes, even if in vivid colors. "Lady Borkbal..." the man said with a bow. "Owen Teagan will have you in LIlly's Meadows, The Queen and the King cannot offer you their palace so your uncle cannot claim they're interfeering in your nation's politics or call you a traitor or a prisoner; She sends her apology..."
"Okay, show me the way to this... Teagan man's home..."</i>

 So I've been away for a while, right?
life and shit...
anyway things relevant to post about my enui is still running strong, as usual, goosd thing, R and I are... kinda doing fine. 
new job is demanding and I'm tired as hel but I'm happy not ideal but job anyways, and better than the last one.

and I learned to make this amazing cinnamon rolls that has everyone reeling, seriously, my sisters and my parent practically fought over them and I'm all proud fo myself  :)

so yeah that's it all about me, I'm so lame...

 I'm seriously not sure why i do this to myself; after a couple failed dated R caled yesterday and told me he feels I'm being distracted/unatentive/cold (this is the word he used); and he wanted to know if something was wrong.
and I'm not sure what's wrong, I still like him, I still want him, in more ways than one but... is like this is the limit, this is as far as I can go; as far as I can be with someone.
I might have been screwing the best thing I've had in like 7 years.

 and why do I mention them? because while I'm not allergic i do have  lots of troubl eprocessing peanuts and i have no idea why i do that to myself...
anywyay, why is it important I had peanuts? 
because i had the craziest sweetest dream in a while. I was in a presentation/tour of some kind and Gordon Ramsay sat next to me and told me my pie was very good, he gave me a couple tips on how to handle stress and then called me love and got up.saying he'll be back
I turned again and his pace was taken by this tall and gangly goofy guy... Matt Smith!!

we laughed, we whispered nonsens ena dhis hand felt warm in mine, then he made fin of me for sometyhing and when i piouted hugged me. I didn't want him to leave but Goprdon wanted hsi chair and Matt left.

it makes no sense but it was a cute dream, it was like being withthe rincipal and my best friend at the same time.

 tomorrow - actually today- is my sister Wara's birthday, she's the cuet one, you know?I was the strong one, Mel the stubborn one, War is the cute, pretty one, and Louisa... yeah she's snow white. Anyway... 15 years ago, a day like tomorrow(today) we had cake and danced and gave her this siamese cat; this year we already celebrated, but it was mellow due to Parents drama, I hate when they ruin stuff for my siblings.

remember I tod you all I hate my job? I have another interview tomorrow, and crossign fingers I'll move into a job wheren I'll be teaching!! GOsh knows nobody should be given to me to teach... but anything is better than nothing right now. 

 not only I got all blue anf tired and sad for no reason, I had a couple rounds with my father... which you might have idefitied as the reason of this ble days, right?

so yeah life ogt in the way still haven't seen the Supernatural finale, they're both epis waiting for me and winking eom my recorder...

***
I'm on themaking of a grand finale for the cinderella one an dfighting my way through Sterek's The Story.
let's see how things go this week.