So yeah, I got better and I'm working again, for those who knew about my financial crisis after my friend left me without any money, a bunch of bills and a practice I had to close and all that... well i finally am on my feet again!! YAY ME!! NOW a year and a half (more like two years) I can finally talk about spending money, about going to places and the first thing is a christmas list the size of Iraq!! my family (all those mean bastards and crazy girls) deserve decent present this year!

also, can you give me a couple tips on what to buy for a guy? I mean... I used to give them movies or Videogames or a scarf they would never wear but I liked, things that you don't really care for, but... R is different.. and i feel stupid thinking like that.
I just answered to Kelly's messasge  and it got me thinking about what I wrote, it is true, sometimes when I'm in a social situation with R I got all weird and looking at myself and my behavior is like watchign Sheldon Cooper trying to be normal (not the smart part just the socially inadequacy ) and he's been so sweet and undertanding it frustrates me; he just keeps gettign sweeter, and giving me this looks, like I'm so freaking funny ort interesting to look at.
Sometimes I wish he weren't so okay with me not being like every other girl in his life, and I freak out and want to push him away just to notice I don't really want to.
for once in my entire life I'm the corny (embarassingly I  have to admit) idiot that sends good night messages and wakes up to messages from him.
and when I tihnk he can't be  any more perfect he told me he doesn't like pumpkin spice (which I hate with the force of a thousand suns) flavored stuff. I laughed and told him "I'd kiss you for that." he smiled like the bastard he is and said he'd never in his life try anything pumpkin or any other specal flavor if I promise to keep doing it durign the next dozen holydays and I'm and idiot for blushing t the mention of this....

so yeah... life is not even that bad, I'm tired as hell and smiling at the bing of a message in my phone....*slaps herself and sigh* I'm doomed.
he even is taking me to watch Dylan O'Brien's movie because he knows I like the kid... 

 I'm seriously not sure why i do this to myself; after a couple failed dated R caled yesterday and told me he feels I'm being distracted/unatentive/cold (this is the word he used); and he wanted to know if something was wrong.
and I'm not sure what's wrong, I still like him, I still want him, in more ways than one but... is like this is the limit, this is as far as I can go; as far as I can be with someone.
I might have been screwing the best thing I've had in like 7 years.

I'm on call tomorrow so I cannot party, instead I had a mild celebration with the ward staff that was leaving this morning with us, among them was one person... do you all remember I'm always saying nothing I ever ask for becomes reality? well last night upon the only crazy star on the sky I wished a kiss, I know my so-called bf, -which I call more gay husband- is not around, he's all the way in the south-east with his family... so there I was standing alone under mistletoe, when the second Dolf, came closer, and started talking, Queen my co-worker and on-call partner literally pushed me to him, but nothing happened, he just smiled and after few more mionutes left, I told her "I wish he could have kissed me"

So... the celebration/party/mess ended and we left, we were walking the two blocks wide parking lot under falling snow talking about how much her son enjoyed christmas when an umbrella appeared over my head, Queen was right next to me, I was sure it was hers... but wasn't. Was Dolf's, I wasn't even sure he was leaving, we spoke for a minute or two while he walked me to my car, me; all time sneakers girl, was wearing this stupid high heel boots and had to look to the floor so I won't fall over my face or sometihng, at the end when I was about to get into my car he bent down and kissed me, wished me Happy New year and... and... *giggle* I'm a 12 yo all over again... okay not all the time my wishes are granted but today from all days I had it and I feel fine... I'll celebrate new year's eve with my parents and I'll go to bed as early as posible...
So.. Happy new year again people, have a blast and please remember that 2012 is just starting keep something for tomorrow


Love you all people!!!

waas hell!! why gangs think is funny to fight during my nights? HUH?

anyhpw. liife is fine, M picked me up and we had a quie decent nap, I'm excited and eager to go to bed again
so.. good night LOL

Dr. V said I shouldn't forget I helped them yesterday, not sure what that means... more responsabilities?

Daniel called, he's in need of a countable GOB, because he dated this girl Renee like three months ago, who was seeing this other two guys at the same time, now she's knocked up and is pointing fingers trying to get her bump a daddy, just me but Daniel, my cousin is not stupid, sure enough he's been careful and he's not making me an aunt without my permission, Oh NO!!! I tried to find a way to do things easier for him, and I'm being the responsible adult there, thou he's an adult already, his dad went somewhere in south America to live with a woman, his mom died when he was like seven, and he's all alone. he needs someone, and that someone is gonna be me, if I can help him.

I'm not blaming her, no, my cousin is a dog, a real dog but with one girl at the time, and then, he sticks until the end, and then he chase some other, this one jewel he found was with three guys at the time, so who's the one to blame?

Sometimes I feel I'm unfair with my own gender in order to protect my loved ones, this kid needs me now and I'll be with and for him no matter what, and if out of bad luck is his baby... I'll be hapy to help him too.

Tony called, about the missing date on last weekend when I was on-call, he said he wants to talk to me, and I'm scared. is it over? is it on? did he heard about Marcus? doe that makes me an hypocrite now thati'm reading this together?

... like past loves are like wounds that has a crust over it in your heart? and then something happens that removes that crust and makes you hurt all over again like a fresh wound?

I just feel like that, remembering the time when love was something So special, and forgeting that I lost it because life moves on and I decided over my own life not caring for others...

Stupid crust that causes pain and blood all over again.