(no subject)

Iwas thinking last night after a battered wife with broken bones... I was thinking that I don't understand love, I mean notin the weird sense others seems to udnerstand love, I've spent my life looking for it, in a way too romantic to keep believing after just fe months... yeah then became so much a cynic it was weird.
I want a love, yes, a love that sweep me off my feet and make me smile every morning, a love that I could live with.
I was thinking about the last time I kissed someone, I wished tp be gone. you know? to be able to forget everything and just feel, to be stupid about the kiss and the person who was giving it to me...

I guess at some point in my life I felt like that, not even able to concentrate in whatever he was saying to me, just having his lips in mine and all that... instead this time I was making a list, literally doing grocery shopping list... So maybe was THIS one guy, right? but noticed that the pervious was just the same, and pretty much every guy... what's wrong with me?
what's wrong with them? am I a confused lesbian? am I that cold? or just always kiss the wrong guy?

The answer to most of those questions brought back certain guy, two of them actually, one was my bf for years and all I needed was the beating of his heart under my ear, everything else was non important, the sound of him alive was enough to keep me safe and in calm, one kiss turned me into clay, and he could've asked me to work as a pro, if he only kissed me when I was back home I'd be okay with it. Then? then bliss was gone he left after my stupid ass brain decided it. The seocnd? the second even convinced me to be okay with him impregnating his ex... after a long long time to be with me... at least for a while... I was okay with it, the? then I cried for weeks.
so maybe is not in the guys right? maybe is me, I'm the one who's always saying that humans are rational beings that cannot be go around driven by their hormones, so I don't let them control me either... maybe that's all.
Maybe it never will feel like that, maybe this mellow version of love I kinda find this days, is all I'm gonna have. Maybe the reason why that lady let his husband hit her every time, and even risks her children to that is because that's her idea of love, and that's all she could get...
then then the whole world is doomed!!! Damn you Disney and rom-coms for making me believe love exists.

But I still yearn for a love that would make me sing...