Have you ever decided what to do and it hurts?

You know what? I'm kinda sad because everything that's been in my head lately is how I have to leave my hospital for now, maybe forever!

things have changed, and I still am too afraid to face them.

You know? when things were lost, when I thought there was nothing else, then I had them. When life was done and I was feeling like shit they were there for me.
and now, when things are changing I'm just too scared of not having them anymore.

Did I ever mentioned the first time in my life someone said honestly Happy birthday we're gald you're here with us, was on that place?
Did I ever mentioned that the only place where any effort I ever did and was recognized was there?
Did I ever mentioned that when I was away they were the only people *aside of few of you that I kinda feel you were obligated to say it* that always said "we're waiting for you, please come home, please be safe" and that fought for me to stay there even after everything? they put up with all my stuff, all the baggage I brought back with me, they always back me up when even my family turns backs to me.

Did I ever mentioned I had more christmas presents there every year than in my entire childhood?
Did I mention that every one of those guys, from chiefs to security are nice people that showed me I'm loved?

am I seeing more than what is there?
I remember I more than once drifted out of the house when things were bad or something is really bothering me and I end up in this specific black chair there, where I used to sleep as an intern... I sit there and is like my life gets in gear, things just get in line, I have a clear mind, that's my ground Zero, and I'm scared to loosing it.

There's the chance east south
and now I have this other option in the very very northern east.

And I'm scared, scared of not being good enough, not being able to do it, to have to come back with my tail between my legs, or maybe to succeed, and not coming back at all, or coming back changed at the end of it, or that people will change while I'm away.
GOSH! I know I'm stupid like this, I know is not okay, but I can't help it...

I guess very deep down I'm very very afraid to grow up.
But is about damn time.