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OH the shame
Mar. 18th, 2010 10:58 pmSeems like I'm not gonna outlive last sunday, since I'm affraid of anything!!
I've been called out because I'm doing pretty much nothing, because I'm scared, my chief said I need some free time, that they do understand I was under too much pressure for the last two years, I can't believe is two years already since the first letter, the one I should've answered instead of ignore it...
Anyway there's nothing I can do now. I have to step back, breath deep and jump in the pool again... still I have one free week, I'm gonna travel, so lurkers if you have any request, I'm leaving on sunday night, and I'll be back on friday, I'm going to Ohio to see Ivana and my new mom.
this mad eme remember the firs ttime a patient died on me, I was heartbroken and scared and went back to my parents, those I always complain about, crying and feeling small as a rat, then my mother asked me what happened I was still a student, and was helping in a surgery on a very small little girl who's mother trusted me with, and she died, I was in really bad shape, my mom asked me if I was free, I wasn't I had a class like two hours latter but was at my parents over an hour away from school.
She sent me to wash my face and then literally pushed me to the door saying "because this is showing you, you have to grow up, you cannot cry for every patient since there's gonna me a million in your carrer" at the door she said "its already thursday babe, you can come home and cry all weekend if that makes you happy but be brave today" I remember that, because is my mom, the push-over lady that always let things crash her down, I went to school, sure as hell that my mom was heartless, but everything went well, and I didn't need to go back for the weekend, I'm sorry, I feel I disapointed so many people not being able to handle this little thing.
I need to do so many things, i keep revisiting everything in my head and meakes less and less sense everytime I think about it, not because i fond things wrong but because I can't understand what happened with me?!
Love you all, I'm gonna start packing.
I've been called out because I'm doing pretty much nothing, because I'm scared, my chief said I need some free time, that they do understand I was under too much pressure for the last two years, I can't believe is two years already since the first letter, the one I should've answered instead of ignore it...
Anyway there's nothing I can do now. I have to step back, breath deep and jump in the pool again... still I have one free week, I'm gonna travel, so lurkers if you have any request, I'm leaving on sunday night, and I'll be back on friday, I'm going to Ohio to see Ivana and my new mom.
this mad eme remember the firs ttime a patient died on me, I was heartbroken and scared and went back to my parents, those I always complain about, crying and feeling small as a rat, then my mother asked me what happened I was still a student, and was helping in a surgery on a very small little girl who's mother trusted me with, and she died, I was in really bad shape, my mom asked me if I was free, I wasn't I had a class like two hours latter but was at my parents over an hour away from school.
She sent me to wash my face and then literally pushed me to the door saying "because this is showing you, you have to grow up, you cannot cry for every patient since there's gonna me a million in your carrer" at the door she said "its already thursday babe, you can come home and cry all weekend if that makes you happy but be brave today" I remember that, because is my mom, the push-over lady that always let things crash her down, I went to school, sure as hell that my mom was heartless, but everything went well, and I didn't need to go back for the weekend, I'm sorry, I feel I disapointed so many people not being able to handle this little thing.
I need to do so many things, i keep revisiting everything in my head and meakes less and less sense everytime I think about it, not because i fond things wrong but because I can't understand what happened with me?!
Love you all, I'm gonna start packing.
