szarabasjka: (Wink)
You know what? I'm kinda sad because everything that's been in my head lately is how I have to leave my hospital for now, maybe forever!

things have changed, and I still am too afraid to face them.

You know? when things were lost, when I thought there was nothing else, then I had them. When life was done and I was feeling like shit they were there for me.
and now, when things are changing I'm just too scared of not having them anymore.

Did I ever mentioned the first time in my life someone said honestly Happy birthday we're gald you're here with us, was on that place?
Did I ever mentioned that the only place where any effort I ever did and was recognized was there?
Did I ever mentioned that when I was away they were the only people *aside of few of you that I kinda feel you were obligated to say it* that always said "we're waiting for you, please come home, please be safe" and that fought for me to stay there even after everything? they put up with all my stuff, all the baggage I brought back with me, they always back me up when even my family turns backs to me.

Did I ever mentioned I had more christmas presents there every year than in my entire childhood?
Did I mention that every one of those guys, from chiefs to security are nice people that showed me I'm loved?

am I seeing more than what is there?
I remember I more than once drifted out of the house when things were bad or something is really bothering me and I end up in this specific black chair there, where I used to sleep as an intern... I sit there and is like my life gets in gear, things just get in line, I have a clear mind, that's my ground Zero, and I'm scared to loosing it.

There's the chance east south
and now I have this other option in the very very northern east.

And I'm scared, scared of not being good enough, not being able to do it, to have to come back with my tail between my legs, or maybe to succeed, and not coming back at all, or coming back changed at the end of it, or that people will change while I'm away.
GOSH! I know I'm stupid like this, I know is not okay, but I can't help it...

I guess very deep down I'm very very afraid to grow up.
But is about damn time.
szarabasjka: (Wink)
yeah it's my b-day already and I'm flipping!!
I'm fucking scared of the thing I was supposed to have done by now and I still have not...

So.. Happy b-day to me!! even if nobody else cares!!Happy birthday to me 2013


Jan. 20th, 2011 01:04 am
szarabasjka: (Default)
I was thinking on this, somwhere else a person said it was the most honest yet discouraging letter he've ever read, what you think?

szarabasjka: (Default)
here I am typing what i wrote, he gave me this three things one book I love, One thing i thought would be bad and turned to be good, and stars
here it is:

*sighes, clears throat and stands firm while holding the paper* please don't make fun of me

The wound has healed

Going back to the begining when I started having a journal I wrote something thinking it was the end of the road for me.
I was gollum, a rotten guilty heart
I was Eowyn, walls closing over me, I once felt dispair and pain, felt my heart bleed.
I was both Frodo and Aragorn, resposability, dutty, obligations, but atrength too.
I once felt helpless carrying a burden i chosed, that was mine, yet I rebelled on the choice I made.

I once believed that there was no chance to get the threads of an old life. and I didn't, my life is different, the thread of it is split in several pieces, from pain to pain, but those pains were good, they made me what I am.
I still have marks, I still have scars, but the bleeding, the throb of them is gone, is over, and even memories don't make me bleed anymore, those memoeries that caused the hurt are now fond to my heart, those memories that made me stronger and now give me valor.

Memories that made me sad and feel pathetic makaes me realize now that I grew from then and for better. That even if I Thought I'd never go on when in my heart I started to understand there was no going back, I had in me the strength to pick up those severed threads and tie good knots, joining ends, ends of dreams next to the reality and disapointment after, attached to a new knot to another dream, and so and so until the dreams changed into something more real, less imposible. did I grew up?

I finally arrived to where I was going when I changed path for the first time, moving away from the lmourn and regrets.

i finally can laugh with my own voice, and finally there's joy in my soul.

There's still scars, and there's still cold, but now, no more fear and no more shivers. I stand proud facing wind and hail. no more fear about the shadows that are still there but that noi more scare me.

Now, the darkness is there for me to luck into it, look up and see the stars.

I feel my heart racing when entering places, I felt my breath burning, I went inside places followed by the others because i just couldn't make myself send someone else, entered those places humming hellraiser or smoke on the water, fingers clutched around the trigger and thinking "please don't let me be someone else's Bianca"

I saw her brains splattered in a wall after one shot and I didn't want to be that for someone.

I saw the monster in my nightmares in the face to realize it wasn't a monster but my own reflection, I was fearing the trutyh of who i am, and wehre I was going, what i was becoming because, lets face its scary when you suddenly realize there are more in this world than what you've seen so far, out there for you to reach your hand and catch.

So here I am after all this, once more where I left the threads and tying new knots. lets all pray for them to be strong this time.
szarabasjka: (Default)
but instead here I am.
I got depressed.
someone made me remember the times when hurting people was a need in order to keep the team safe.

it really got me down, I even mentioned it to my schrink, he says is okay, because things have changed too fast and too many times this last three years, I agree, I don't even want to be called shallow or young anymore.. I'm not ababy I know but from that to be called old lady there's a whole new territory right?

A year home, finally a year, and I still get up in th emiddle of the night when there's strong sounds scared and looking for my gun.
Still scared to drive by myself and still too sharp around the adges...


Oct. 21st, 2010 11:11 pm
szarabasjka: (Default)
I was serious, I was always serious and fine, I was respected and nobody dared to mess with me until I get to see those eyes, I thught they were green, but no, thought they were blown but no, thought I was okay.. but then thoseeyes arrived and here I am thinking about eye colors, i can't believe it.

ONe smile and her I am day dreaming on him, after all this time... after all this time i can't avoid the blush

not sure if its gonna be a small story or what, what do you think?

anywho, more than a year.. finally felt fine when somene said something abou tlast year and didn't came with the so horrid 'you weren't here but we went/did/said/thought/had 'finally I'm part of the team of the living!!!

gotta go, seeing Eli F tomorrow
szarabasjka: (Default)
I'm so tired I'm falling asleep while I type, things are okay, but got chided again for my interns fault, those bastards that are always late and never do the things they are supposed to...

Anyhow, Hector is doing great, poor darling, and we both together, we're weird. at sdome point I kinda noticed we tend to talk about each other to people and they just assume we're inlove, are we? were we?

About other stuff
its kinda creepy to believe, yet is real
szarabasjka: (Default)
Since I was off and mom didn't see it yet, but now gotta go see ya all

life is messy and I'm having flashbacks again...

I'm tired

Mar. 29th, 2010 10:45 pm
szarabasjka: (Default)
and My interns that used to like me hates me with the fire of a thousand suns... I like it!!

I helped to deliver a baby today, like back in my intern days, and Dr V was there too, we both working like a well oiled machine LOL ooh those days...

haven't seen Dolph yet and I'm gonna be out of OR for the week and so.. they're making a quite complicated schedule where Im staying in ER for almost a month.... DAMN!!

I'll try to find my Szarabasjka story and type it if I get to have a little time this week.

Love ya'll
szarabasjka: (Eowyn3)
Seems like I'm not gonna outlive last sunday, since I'm affraid of anything!!

I've been called out because I'm doing pretty much nothing, because I'm scared, my chief said I need some free time, that they do understand I was under too much pressure for the last two years, I can't believe is two years already since the first letter, the one I should've answered instead of ignore it...

Anyway there's nothing I can do now. I have to step back, breath deep and jump in the pool again... still I have one free week, I'm gonna travel, so lurkers if you have any request, I'm leaving on sunday night, and I'll be back on friday, I'm going to Ohio to see Ivana and my new mom.

this mad eme remember the firs ttime a patient died on me, I was heartbroken and scared and went back to my parents, those I always complain about, crying and feeling small as a rat, then my mother asked me what happened I was still a student, and was helping in a surgery on a very small little girl who's mother trusted me with, and she died, I was in really bad shape, my mom asked me if I was free, I wasn't I had a class like two hours latter but was at my parents over an hour away from school.

She sent me to wash my face and then literally pushed me to the door saying "because this is showing you, you have to grow up, you cannot cry for every patient since there's gonna me a million in your carrer" at the door she said "its already thursday babe, you can come home and cry all weekend if that makes you happy but be brave today" I remember that, because is my mom, the push-over lady that always let things crash her down, I went to school, sure as hell that my mom was heartless, but everything went well, and I didn't need to go back for the weekend, I'm sorry, I feel I disapointed so many people not being able to handle this little thing.

I need to do so many things, i keep revisiting everything in my head and meakes less and less sense everytime I think about it, not because i fond things wrong but because I can't understand what happened with me?!

Love you all, I'm gonna start packing.
szarabasjka: (Default)
we had this guy that was critic and I was in ICU with him and my two interns and the bitches did nothing to help...

the man died on me, I had to call the attending who BTW was Dolf, and coming in a rush he hit someoe with his car, apparently the person died and now poor darling Dolf is in so much trouble...

Dr. V said its ok I did what I could but stil I feel bad, things were so stressful that I had flashbacks, never happened befor, of things I saw over there, saw blood and pieces of bodies and lots and lots of crazy shit.
szarabasjka: (hook)
After a whole week I finally can face things, the first thing I need to face is, that even if I always complain of my dad, and every year or so mentin how caustic my mother is, I got to a point where I finally can be kinda fair with both sides.

everything came into place last weekend and withthe help of my friend darling Dr shrink, my mother is a manipulative inmature person that always made me feel as if I don't deserve to have a life because she ruined hers.

If i ever mention I'm dating a great guy she finds a way to make me feel insecure of him, or find a milion flaws on him, or just say what a dick he is or something of thatsort. If I ever mention I have a party/event of some kind she do something to prevent me to going, I know, I'm old enough not to let her have her way but... until now I just let her, How important is going window shopping knowing I had a ball from the hospital where I wanted to keep my job?

How important is why she hates the grey sweater my best friend was wearing and how many Gf's she knows he had, he's my best friend that's all...

enough is enough, I'm not gonna let her anymore.

Finally saw "the Hurt Locker" maybe the best war movie ever, no romantic crap, no nearly transformers-like action, just real painful facts.

I kinda relate withthe guy who went back, youfeel like you don¡t deserve being back, like you don't fit with regular normal peiople that doesn't understand how it feels to kill a human being. great movie that deserves an Oscar.
szarabasjka: (Default)
and Ironically I was singing along with bleeding out from linkin park...

so, dr. Vsays I have to be at hospital tomorrow 9AM or I'll beout, accourding to him, there iIS a place for me there...
Seeing shrink lady in a while feeling better, esp with the fanfic thingy I'm reading, amazing how this girl can write garcia and Morgan so well, and SAm and Dean in a way Kripke crappy writers failed since season II
szarabasjka: (Default)
And feeling a thousand times better.

I had the weirdest most amazing call ever!! I talked on the phone with a friend from med school, I haven't seen her in like four years, she was Hector's gf and we used to be all the time fighting because she was jealous, at the end Ellie ended married with a ped resident just months after me and Sean went into Hiatus.

Me and my darling Sean are still best of friends and she's a mother of one and went with her now-not-so-new hubby to south America

ok so.. she's in Argentina and she offered me Job there, after all I do speak a decent spanish and they really need doctors with good backrounds, there's even a chance for me to be a surgeon there, going throught a residency program, i know it would not be regular School but could work... I mean is not Albany at all , but I tried here and seems like there's no future, right? and my father will have his surgery soon and they'll be ok, right? and after all I wanted to travel, right? soo.... there's nothig that keeps me here.

Second, I was blue , ok? and I'm still kinda down but that doesn't mean I'm gonna be all whinny and bitchy all the time, so.. here it comes something that sounds great in Spanish and I'll translate for those who like it

Donde vayas, ahí te esperaré. Donde estés ahí yo estaré.

wherever you go, i'll be waiting for you, wherever you are I'll be there

Donde caigas, estaré para socorrerte. Donde sueñes, estaré para alentarte.

Whereever you fall I'll be there to help you up, wherever you dream i'll be there to cheer you*this one makes no sense*

Donde huyas, estaré para buscarte. Donde duermas, estaré para despertarte.

wherever you run away, i'll be looking for you, wherever you sleep I'll be there to wake you up*this one is creepy*

Donde calles, seré guardián de tu silencio. Donde camines, estaré para acompañarte.

when you're quiet, I'll keep your silence, when you walk I0ll be there with you* this one is nice*

Donde vueles, remendaré tus alas. Donde empieces, te mostraré como llegar al final.

whenever you fly, I'll sew you wings, whenever you start I'll show you the end *this to me sound like a warning*

Donde pierdas, te enseñaré como ganar. Donde te esfuerces, te alentaré para luchar.

whenever you lose I'll show you how to win, whenever you work hard, I'll encourage you to fight *like in Rocky*

Donde ames, te complaceré. Donde hables, escribiré tus palabras.

when you love, I'll please you, when you speak Ill write your words.

Donde sangres, te curaré. Donde pidas te daré.

whenever bleed I'll heal you, whenever you ask I'll give you

Donde rías, festejaré contigo. Donde mueras, honraré tu memoria.

when you laugh I'll laugh with you, at your death I'll remember you * really this is creepy or what?*

Donde puedas, ahí me verás surgir. Donde me llames, me verás revivir.

whereever you can go you'll see me there. wherever you call you'll see me there

ok this sounds sweet in spanish the translation sounds like a stalker note, I have no iea what to think LOL

OOH and then there's this other thingy... I just find out this place and this FF is amazingly cute and funny.

Kripke should do something like this :
Or was he dead and somehow been reincarnated into a bulky homosexual? Or this could possibly be a misunderstanding of sorts? its priceless.

As usual me, the good one and my birthday so.. just for me to remember ok?


Jan. 29th, 2010 10:39 pm
szarabasjka: (Default)
Mel is going to her best friend's wedding tomorrow, still noone knows about my .. you know...

I'm seriously thinking about the hobbit and stuff, life is messy, yet nothing interesting remotedly interesting happened.

I found a way to have Legolas back at the hobbit, wasn't his birthday party the dwarfs interrupt at Mirkwood?
szarabasjka: (Default)
I knew it wouldn't work, I knew it!!

Dr. V is still campaigning for me, even if the rest of the financial board said there's no chance I get a spot back on the program, I'm out...
I'm OUT!! *bllinks stupidly* I'm no longer surgery resident.

Edit, few hours later and a session later I feel more relaxed, still feel lost and wish I knew what to do... in any case I have lik e amonth to decide... at least a week LOL


Please tell me you know this song
szarabasjka: (Default)
more bad dreams, I think I'm gonna tel her now


including sweet vid of an interview with Darling Orlando

I just came back from the shrink, and saw my parents on the way home, they needed to discuss, actually my dad needed to discuss something, he said since he's having another surgery very soon he's afraind and this time want to have everything ready *that creeped me out* so
he's doing another will, including a clausule that says I'd have control over my younger brother and baby sister's share, he says that's because I'm not like the rest and I'll actually keep them in rule until they finish everything.

and that in case of not being necesary he'll change it at some point so I don't have so much presure on me.

it shocked me alot! I mean, I'm his shame, I'm the troublemaker, I'm the worst one, he always says that, so... Wow
szarabasjka: (Default)
let me tell you all about my dreams lately, I had several dreams most of them related to death.

I had this one where I was at the hospital tending a kid that had injuries on legs and arms, swallen and red, and his father was beign mean at him saying what a burden he was sick like that, I had to interview the kid to know if he had abuse issues and then couldn't give him what he needed, even knowing and asking the nurse for the painkillers and the furosemide. then all I could do was carry him around *and damn he was heavy* like a baby to calm him down until I start crying in frustration and I wake up

I had this second one, I was in a car, supposedly a bus, but was lower, kinda humvee like from the inside when we were on this road open, full of vegetation and even floweres on the sides, and I could feel the breeze on my face and the sun on my skin all pleacent and calmed hearign people talking and laughing when a truck, old blue truck appeared in front of us, the car i was traveling in was right in front and we crashed against it, but I didn't get to see the whole thing, only the moment when we impact and heard a small sound like a can being hit, and then I was on the side of the road laid down, I get up and se ethe blood on the road, both cars gone, I'm all alone there running from one side to the other of this huge puddle of blood, thinking I have to go, I need to go back and then I'm standing n the blood, my shoes and my legs covered on it, like I was swiming on it.
I ran to the other side of the puddle and get out, no cars, no voices, not even birds or sun anymore, saw three persons there a man and his sons and I ask them for help but I ask if they can see me, which to me is weird, the father answer that yes, they see me but only rich ones could help me and they will not want to, and then I turn and they're gone, I walk and walk around the puddle without any chance to get anywhere until I wake up.

The third is set ona house surrounded by fields of wheat and corn, I could see several places from this kinda hill and then the wind came, like tornadoes and destroy everything, i was holding with all my strenght from the grass but still felt the air been pulled out of my lungs and fear and then noticed my sisters are around and I was there feeling helpless and just give up and stop fighting, like ready to die,even said my prayers and then I woke up.

wonder what this means, there are more but with this three you have pretty much the general idea
szarabasjka: (Default)

because God knows i need a laugh.

nothing interesting just delaying my trip for one more week.


Jan. 22nd, 2010 05:27 pm
szarabasjka: (Default)
did pretty much nothing, things are changing for bad, seems like I'm not staying at my old hosspital, something else will appear right?

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