szarabasjka: (Default)
 its been so long.
I don't like the sun the way I used to, i don't feel the same giddy feeling under it.
i don't like your hands anymore, because you're not holding mine, stupid too big too scratchy hands that I miss
i don't like the sound of laughter because like it did years ago it soudns like they're making fun of me.
I don't like the empty space next to me; you were supposed to be here.
I don't like bread because it desn't taste like bets and laughter anymore, I miss the giggling idiot with a smile on his face and mirth in his eyes while i can't stop myself from laughing.
I miss you and I don't like it, I shouldn't have to miss you like this.
I don't like gold, it was your color and every coin looks faded, I don't like the stupid green briefs I still see every time I see into that box, or the picture with the sweaty you, if you were here I won't ever complain of you smelling bad. you greasy big bird, I miss you. the string is there to remind me of you, but it hurts more now than it ever did.

if you were here, I'd have someone to cry with because i can't stop myself when i think of you and I couldn't stop myself when I saw your tears, and you never could stop yourself when i was crying... what a sad picture we made, couple saps being dumb; being dumb alone is not the same, with nobody to clean my tears and then the snot of his own face.
I don't like the sun, the bread, the green briefs because my heart is broken, I don't like missing you and crying without you here  because my heart will never be whole again.

and nobody cares.
szarabasjka: (Default)
 photobucket sucks monkey ass...
now I need to move files from as far back as 2004 into some other site; postimage aparently.
any other recomendation?

in other news, with Chester's death I forgot what else was yesterday. it was my sweetest A birthday and he'll be having a fit if he were still here.
I miss hsi serious face, I miss his hands, the scratchy beard and the bluest eyes, I miss the duck smile and the scar there where I have mine too.
I miss you ass where are you?
happy birthday to the guy who will never have another birthday.
szarabasjka: (Default)
Depression is not easy; depression is a monster you don't want to fight.
because you don't fight a thing in front of you that you can run away from; you fight yourself and nobody knows you better; nobody else knows how to hurt you worst.

losing someone close to you; not having the one who was your north is awful, the need to join them is so strong, add adictions and I bet you'll be ready for a coffin.
why you? why you who were the voice of my teen years? why you the one concert I enjoyed the most,.
Why you couldn't fight one more day, one more night...  one more battle.?

its over now,  and I kinda envy you, because as someone once stated, when you die it's over for you, but is never over for those who stay here; without you.

hope you found peace in the end; and hope you don't remember the pain, (I know there was some pain) 
wherever you go, wish you calm peace and rest.
Good Bye the voice of my pain, the sound of my tears, good bye Chester Bennington.

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more than any time before
I have no options left again
I don't want to be the one the battles always choose
'cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused

szarabasjka: (Default)
 I made a mistake tonight; I opened the wrong drawer and it was like changing channels to a time when his smile was here. 
I saw that shirt,  the one with the checkered pattern and those ugly old jeans. 
I remember I used to laugh at his attempts to be serious for pictures when I knew he wanted to laugh. 
I heard the voice the sound the laugh the sun in that stupid smile and those gentle eyes.
It was like changing channels to a time when you were with me and I cannot go back,  I cannot pretend it didn't happen and that I don't want to cry because I miss you. 
He was my sun; never to rise again. 
szarabasjka: (whereever it may leads)
so as usual I started a fill for the SPN meme becaue it touches me very deep inside for an experience.
the prompt called for a rich J and a sick J and how one J can't beat the impeding death of his loved one (the other J).

I had everything thought, my sad stupid story made into a little organized chaos for you to understand why SORROW has its own tag, how I still say that My heart will never be whole again and all that jazz...

But why am I saying all this in past? because jared is an asshole. literally!! he just had to go and be his self important self and ruin my fic!!

How is he supposed to play A, my loved one who couldn't beat Ca when he's a self entitled asshole who can't even be nice with a waitress. How can I make him a sick person who gave everything for others, and never in his life said anything mean to anyone. The man who smiled to the very end. how can I make him A who never in his entire life was mean to anyone ??

so yeah it means no fic for a while until i get over this mess


Jun. 12th, 2016 11:07 pm
szarabasjka: (whereever it may leads)
What the world saw was devastation; hate and violence so big it killed 50 people and wounded 59 more.
What the world saw is hundreds of families devastated in mindless hate and wrong ways.
What the world saw was a country once more falling on its knees after an act so horrible, and senseless that everyone in the entire world has been left in sorrow.
What we saw was few people using God's name for their own agenda of terror and shame.


What they don't see is a country figthing back to get on its feet helped by thousands of volunteers and braves who will not let an act of terror have power over them. THEY CAN'T STOP US.
What they don't understand is that the people they targeted, have lived pain and suffered already and they stand proud against anyone. THEY CAN'T BREAK US
What they didn't expect is thousands helping, responding, praying and fighting back against hate and homophobia with LOVE and HOPE. THEY WON'T DEFEAT US.
What we should never forget is that NOBODY IS ALONE.

this is a test, to prove once more WE ARE ONE AND WE WILL PREVAIL!

My prayers and thoughts to those in Orlando.
szarabasjka: (whereever it may leads)
I too this from [ profile] sasha_dragon and it had me thinking as usual.

Call me insane, but I feel this one describes how I feel about a person I lost, is like I still wake up thinking I'd call and make him laugh, or get to smell his parfum and make fun of it, or see the scar on his chest, or eat bread with the idiot and his family and then...

then I realize there's nothing to be done, he's gone and will never be back no matter what I want or trade.

I still have his last letter, and the guilt of the fucking phone call I didn't take.

sometimes I wish crossroad demons were real.


Nov. 1st, 2015 07:25 am
szarabasjka: (whereever it may leads)
I woke up, and the first thing in my head was the game, I was still excited, happy and wanting to celebrate some more.

But then I realized that you weren't there , you didn't celebrate with me, we didn't' made funny imaginary hakas with twisted faces and fake fierceness around my room.

I didn't see your smile and your ugly bunny teeth.

You weren't with me to celebrate, and it hurt like someone ripping my heart out, I had no air, no light, no room, nothing, there was no way to walk it off, this pain won't leave.
I felt like lead but I just couldn't stay in bed knowing you're not in this world anymore.

Good morning world, congrats AB's, but I have nothing to celebrate anymore.
szarabasjka: (Wink)
I'm always saying things about the one who died, right?
I'm always feeling misserable and sad because he left me.
well guess what, it's been three years today, it's been three years and I can't stop feeling like I'm not okay.
is like I've lost so much, SO MUCH, on a day like today.
9/11 was already a  tragic day without this adding up.
He was all joy and smiles, and even in the darkest of times had a way to look at the bright side. he was always saying how much he loved people and things, and seeing the bright side in life.

I'll always remember the warmth of his embrace, and the calming voice that helped me through things when I needed someone on my side.
he had my back when i lost faith and was there for me no matter what.

what about now? there's no reason to keep fighting anymore.
szarabasjka: (Wink)
I've been missing you.
how the sun played with your hair.
how the corners of your mouth crinkled as you smile.
the thunderous sound of your laughter
the steady calming rythm of your heartbeat.
the love you showed for your kids.
I've been missing your voice.
missing the color of your eyes.
how they pulled me in until I was in your soul
safe and secure.
I've been missing you
those seconds when you made me feel proud.
when you said I was worthy and special.
I miss the jealousy I felt because she had you and I didn't.
I miss the scar near your heart.
because mine is almost gone.
I've been missing you and the way you made her happy
testament that love exist, and is not a dream
I've been missing the smell of leather and oil.
the raspy stupid kiss on the cheek, stupid beard.
I've been missing you my love
don't you miss me back?
szarabasjka: (Wink)
Don’t you hate when the pain goes away?

When the one thing you thought will hurt forever, that made you remember someone is slowly but surely fading? when you suddenly realize you haven’t said that name in a while?

when you realize that those “forever” meant only THIS much time and now everything is going away, that your memory is being deleted?

Don’t you hate when pain goes away?

He was my sun, never to rise again.


Mar. 6th, 2014 08:51 pm
szarabasjka: (Wink)
Dear you:
yes you, the one who made me stop my life almost two years ago, you who were the reason of my smiles and my appreciation, you who's eyes were the light of my path, you who's scars hurt in my soul too. You who carried my wounds and helped me to heal.

You who I admired more than anything else, you who carved a giant space in my heart to live in and then left it empty way too early.

I still miss you, I do, I still wish I could turn to my left and see your pretty smile, the joy of your laughter, the true of your tears.

I still want to feel that skin, and the strength that your words gave me, I want to have the example of your actions, knowing deep inside that hoping and wishing and wanting is not gonna bring you back.

You, my dear, you who left and paralyzed my life for almost two years, I still remember the second I saw those powerful fire-like eyes, the second I felt your courage, the second when you sent thrills down my spine just being there. The second you broke my spirit by leaving, The second I understood I'll never again see you.

I remember you, I'll never forget you, and there's a place in my heart for you, my angel, if you ever come back; but no longer gonna let you rule my life, no longer I'll be tazzed in place by the pain of the loss; I might have let your absence make me wander away from the path, but even grief should have an expiration date, wish you could Be Here Now, but since its imposible, I'll carry you with me all the time, I'll carry you in my success and my fails, I'll carry you in joy and in Sorrow, but moving on, not from you, but from the emptiness you left.

This is not a good bye, this is not a farewell; this is a statement of strength and eternal love.

I love you and I miss you, but I can't keep mourning you letting my life pass while I'm still sitting here depressed and alone.
This is for you to be proud of me, because I love you and I know it'll make you sad if I let things go because I feel too small without you.

You'll see, from your place up with the others, how I change, how I become more, bigger, stronger, better, for you, to make you proud, to be good enough to see you again when the time comes.

you'll be always in my prayers and my mind, you'll always be here with me, but let me go.

- Kali
szarabasjka: (Wink)
I found this today in my feed:

Originally posted by [ profile] loucifer67 at Our Beloved Govi
It is with great sadness that I have to report the passing of our good friend Govi
Moominpa found out that she passed away on the 14th very peacefully with her husband Jan by her side.

Another candle extinguished in our community

Her cremation will be held on the 19th in Rotterdam (Same day as Mooms in the UK)

I can't help but smile sadly as I think that we will now gather to celebrate both their lives as we come together on the same day to say goodbye.

United in friendship till the very end. So much so they will get to torment St Peter at the pearly gates together

Rest in Peace Carol

You will be missed

Your friend


and it broke my heart, not since Nate passed away, not since Andy I cried so hard for someone I never really met, it is painful and hard, because I hoped she could by some miracle get better.

Rest In Peace Dear Carol, you'll be remembered
szarabasjka: (Wink)
Originally posted by [ profile] loucifer67 at A Sad Loss - As we say goodbye to Moominmamma
Originally posted by [ profile] loucifer67 at A Sad Loss - As we say goodbye to Moominmamma
Dearest Jeanne
Moominmamma photo: Moominmamma rules !!!! 22545_265083267364_8059560_n.jpg

We wished you peace and much love and to be surrounded by all your loved ones today as we celebrated your birthday. It is then fitting to think you left this world on the very day you joined it.
A perfect symmetry. The circle of life complete

The poignancy of this special day is not lost on myself nor I suspect on all the myriad of friends you made and have travelled through this life with. So I leave your family and those multitudes of friends with these words that I hope will give comfort to them as you continue this journey onward.

From The Return of the King (LOTR) - A Viggoless statement i'm afraid

Pippin: I didn't think it would end this way.

Gandalf: End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path... One that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass... And then you see it.

Pippin: What? Gandalf?... See what?

Gandalf: White shores... and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.

Pippin: [smiling] Well, that isn't so bad.

Gandalf: [softly] No... No it isn't.

See you on the other side Jeanne. I hope you’ll be waiting with a large glass of Chianti and good few stories to tell


rest in peace dear friend

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