Sorrow

Sep. 12th, 2016 11:25 pm
szarabasjka: (whereever it may leads)
Some say "Always" others use the "okay"
Some others say "my moon and starts", "blood calls blood". or any other cheesy thing.
I rather use one word: Sorrow; it fills everything inside me, if hollows my soul. it aches, still

you dear bastard who said "My heart will never be whole again" why you had to be right??
szarabasjka: (whereever it may leads)
I have this prompt which pretty much says a manipultive Jared forces jensen to stay in Supernatural.
should i post it?
I kinda believe it'll make people think I hate jared and since I'm not his biggest fan
I just don't want rabid idiots like tumblr rabid idiots bothering me...
szarabasjka: (whereever it may leads)
happy new year to me!!!
My dad is fine and I have to sleep bc I work tomorrow but YAY
szarabasjka: (Wink)
so, things I feared passed and I have been given 15 days off because I might need to rest because of reasons, gossip says many at hospital will be let go.
I'm not afraid this could be my "let go" thing, or in any case this could not be me because I've been said it's because of administrative reasons.
anyways After the last couple months and a lot of gossip about the hospital- as many catholic hospitals- might be closed or sold, friends and nurses are freaking out, I told them after talking to the chief and the head of the board that we're safe, that I would leave if those rumors were true.. you know?
and then suddenly I'm not there anymore, I'm afraid this will start a mass panic attack...
and what if I am actually let go? what if I don't have a job anymore? is not like I'm scared, or anything, I'm just feeling kinda adrift...
my biggest fear is that after everything that happened in my life not even my family has been a constant, only my hospital, my people, my friends are there... what's gonna happen with my life if I don't have them anymore?
szarabasjka: (Wink)
I haven't ever met anyone else with this problem. And I was even sure I didn't have to worry anymore.

summarizing for people not aware:the stalker )
I'm asking because today I saw him in my block again. he was sitting on my lawn and when I finally got close and took my keys out of my bag he wasn't there anymore, my neighbor said he's been there the entire day and now I'm freaked out.

Is there a way to deal with this? that doesn't includes police? (because seriously, I've been said that unless he attempts to get into my house or tries to hurt me they can't help.) you think direct violence would work?
szarabasjka: (Wink)
First for first time on over a month I've been in touch with people that are not from work... I know I should go out and tah.. but I like my chair and my ciber life a little bit too much.
Elda called me, I'm going to visit her at home next week.
then Eliane called, she's cool, and she's one of the two gals that are going with me to the big state! next year. so we have SO much to talk about!!
anyway. next week I'll be seeing them and going out a lot more than usual.
Third: boys, screw them all, why would I care for men when I have things as great as critic patients in ER service where Janet and I can save lives?
Because we together KICK ASS!!
fourth, something less important yet quite as much fun. Orlando hit Justin Bieber!!! wouldn't you all kiss Crowley more than once to be on his shoes for just one second? I mean not only dining with Leo, but also jumping all Elf-like agile to hit the giant mini jerk in the face?
I know I would.

okay now to the serious part of this, do you even remember last year around October when something appeared at my house? when neighbors reported music and people in my house and I thought it was my brother? it's happening again, not big things, just open doors which are kinda scary, I'm a freak, I close every door before opening the next, I lock doors as soon as I enter the house and I turn lights off as soon as I don't need them, because I'm a freak.
But now,m lights remain on without reason, doors get slammed when i am sure they were locked and I'm starting to freak out!
I was sleeping with the entire house locked and safe when I heard steps on the stairs and closets being opened. it's getting a little creepy I must say.
so yeah... that.

I remember

Jul. 11th, 2014 11:28 pm
szarabasjka: (Wink)
I was thinking on the time when cinnamon toasts were the perfect breakfast, a time when waking up at the crack of dawn was the norm. When he was nothing more than the reason of my existence.
I remember a time when love was my main concern, when I couldn't even fathom a world without someone holding my hand.
I remember how it started, I remember the first time I touched his hand.
I remember when I met him when I was pissed and felt cold, I remember having ice cream and walking was what I wanted.
I remember the list, blue and travels and ice cream, and freedom and life, and music and going away. I remember, because my heart was heavy with pain and he was there for me.
I remember him, when the pain was just too much, I remember biscuits and cream, and dark coffee and aviators, I remember his kisses and the smell of cigarettes,I remember the song and everything else.
I remember him, with those eyes in me and those lips smiling, and the strength and the courage, I remember him and miss him.
I remember his smile, and the jokes and the games and his smell when he hugged me in the windy weather a Saturday afternoon.
I remember dreaming on a bed, dreaming with him and his kid, Ju, I wanted so much to see him again.

I said no three times already and fought for my right to chose, I cried over my broken heart so many times I can't even count how many and yet here I am.

I've changed with the struggle and the fights, and I've changed.
Love is not something you can find easily, love is not something you chase.
Is like something someone else said: "love has to be treated like an art piece, you find it, you look at it, and you decide you cannot part from it, and then you look for the perfect frame and carry it home where you'll cherish it forever. But what we do is having this frame of what we want, and we try to force those we claim to love to make them fit in our frame."

I'm far from that, right now I tossed the frame to a side, I ignored art for a while and I've prepared myself to be surprised, if at some point I find the freaking art piece AMAZING!
If not... okay, life will go on.

Life

Jun. 8th, 2014 12:47 am
szarabasjka: (Wink)
Did I mentioned anything lately about anything?
yep I mean aside of the horror movie moment... I guess not.

So things are kinda working finally, and I found a quite decent offer right where I thought I'd never want to go.
Is not something for like tomorrow. but with good luck and lots of hard work I'll be moving for Feb next year.
Meanwhile life is messy but nice.
work is hard as usual and then I have been suffering from Insomnia! YAY! and few episodes of hyper vigilance more YAY!!
All this after we had a guy that I don't know how went through security with a .22 loaded on his underwear.

AAANNNDD!!! I mentioned I finally put the lecherous on his place right?. No?
well I did!

right now I'm writing fills for a comm and walkign around. so good night.
szarabasjka: (Wink)
first on my last night shift I was with Dr S, he's awesome and when he heard one of my arch-nemesis were picked over me for a fellowship while I'm still waiting, and heard also that others were rubbing that one on my face he said I should tell them to fuck off... it felt great you know, I like the guy I do, and I like the fact that he likes to work with me and is always supportive and sweet.

but then this morning when orthos changed shifts and we were getting ready to leave, I was chatting with Wendy a pediatrician when Christian arrived, you know him, right? the huge guy, the ortho that replaced my once professor, and it's kinda awkward with him, very awkward to say the truth and he heard about the time I spent with S, someone called it a heart to heart, and well... S has this reputation, he's known as the lady killer by nurses and if he gets close to a girl; the girl just falls for him, but he does nothing for me, and maybe that's the reason why we enjoy working together so much.
So , the point is that Christian heard about it and instead of getting close and say hi, he looked me from across the room and very weious greeted me with a cold "good morning doctor, heard your shift with S was great..." the irony was so obvious it left me... feeling weird...

after that he starting check ups without even letting the interns help... and that's so not like him, he's one of the best explaining things to the kids. So now... is that jealousy? is that me reading too hard between the lines? is he thinking I have a thing for S?

WTF? he can't just act like that and pretend I will be okay with it. and is not like all the peers pressure is affecting me making me like him or anything... I just don't want him thinking I have a thing with S because I love S, he's one who taught me the most and he's one of the first that showed me respect and helped me when things went south after I came back.

so yeah... life for me is either absurdly plain and without any excitement or complete soap opera worth drama...
szarabasjka: (Wink)
You know what? I'm kinda sad because everything that's been in my head lately is how I have to leave my hospital for now, maybe forever!

things have changed, and I still am too afraid to face them.

You know? when things were lost, when I thought there was nothing else, then I had them. When life was done and I was feeling like shit they were there for me.
and now, when things are changing I'm just too scared of not having them anymore.

Did I ever mentioned the first time in my life someone said honestly Happy birthday we're gald you're here with us, was on that place?
Did I ever mentioned that the only place where any effort I ever did and was recognized was there?
Did I ever mentioned that when I was away they were the only people *aside of few of you that I kinda feel you were obligated to say it* that always said "we're waiting for you, please come home, please be safe" and that fought for me to stay there even after everything? they put up with all my stuff, all the baggage I brought back with me, they always back me up when even my family turns backs to me.

Did I ever mentioned I had more christmas presents there every year than in my entire childhood?
Did I mention that every one of those guys, from chiefs to security are nice people that showed me I'm loved?

am I seeing more than what is there?
I remember I more than once drifted out of the house when things were bad or something is really bothering me and I end up in this specific black chair there, where I used to sleep as an intern... I sit there and is like my life gets in gear, things just get in line, I have a clear mind, that's my ground Zero, and I'm scared to loosing it.

There's the chance east south
and now I have this other option in the very very northern east.

And I'm scared, scared of not being good enough, not being able to do it, to have to come back with my tail between my legs, or maybe to succeed, and not coming back at all, or coming back changed at the end of it, or that people will change while I'm away.
GOSH! I know I'm stupid like this, I know is not okay, but I can't help it...

I guess very deep down I'm very very afraid to grow up.
But is about damn time.
szarabasjka: (Wink)
Not to mention that Vince was in Boston, but I actually freaked out.

I guess I have to start earlier than that.
Let's start with Friday when Karen called,she's the one in charge of my VA stuff and needed to remind me I missed my three years eval, so I went to see the shrink on saturday and guess what? aside of the depression and shit everything was fine, and the lady said that the last par tof the eval and so would be on monday.

Okay let's talk about the previous, Vin is working in something and his Univ sent him to check the historic something part of the JFK library and it had to be on monday when everything was closed so he and two friends could work unbothered.

Imagine when I heard there's fire on the library and there's no cells. I almost died.

then? then everything came back, the smell, the blood the pieces, the numbness and the goosebumps.
no more anger no more rage yeah.. but there are still tears and this... this thing, this feeling of not being whole anymore.
I miss things, I miss there, I miss home.
By the time I went to see the shrink poor guy had a hot mess with snot and tears and drool sobbing on the chair, Why? I was not like that, not unitl now.

I'm back

Mar. 25th, 2013 11:10 pm
szarabasjka: (Wink)
yep, after a whole weekend, saturday went as usual... kinda okay until real celebration was suposed to happen, then the whole thing went SHIT!

good thing? this handmade Cake by my sisters



then? then a gazzillion of people sent me messages and things went okay...
BTW dear LJ friends? thank youto each and every one of you either in PM's or in replies, I loved every message.

but then, then I let people get to close to me and what was supposed to be fun and a way to relax myself ended up with me crying and wanting to go to bed before anything worse happens.
even now, just thinking about it makes me MAD!!

It started as funny stuff, just a couple jokes until they became too mean to deak with, and having people laughing at you is never fun.
I'm not over sensitive or anything, HECK! I have rhino-like thick skin... yet this hurt, was that bad.
it only lasted a second and the first tear fell, causing even more laughs.
funny thing?= since I was ten, every fucking berthday evenif a good oen I end up crying, every fucking time, and even whenthere's nobody specially mean to me there's always a reason... and it hurts to be this unlucky.
szarabasjka: (Wink)
LOL
yeah it's my b-day already and I'm flipping!!
I'm fucking scared of the thing I was supposed to have done by now and I still have not...

So.. Happy b-day to me!! even if nobody else cares!!Happy birthday to me 2013

Depressed

Mar. 5th, 2013 10:34 pm
szarabasjka: (Wink)
I know, I've been said I'm highly functional but that is still STILL depression, the things since novemeber just got worst, I' have lot any interest in things.

I feel like there's nothing left, I'm tired, I've been over sleeping and now? now I feel like I can't do this anymore, either I sleep for more than I should or I just can't sleep at all.

I just snapped at my boss the other day, he has no right to question me in front of other patients.

I can't thikstraight... I can't take it anymore, I just don't want anything else anymore.

last night I stayed on line until 2 30 am because I was afraid if I logged off I'd kill myself, I'm that bad again...

someone help?

Nuh where are you hun I miss you

Read this

Feb. 22nd, 2013 09:04 pm
szarabasjka: (Wink)
without judging

Dame:
¡Oh Dios! Un hijo que sea lo bastante fuerte para saber cuándo es débil y lo bastante valeroso para enfrentarse consigo mismo cuando sienta miedo;
un hijo que sea orgulloso e inflexible en la derrota honrada y humilde y magnánimo en la victoria.

Dame:
un hijo que nunca doble la espalda cuando debe erguir el pecho; un hijo que sepa conocerte a ti... y conocerse a sí mismo, que es la piedra fundamental de todo conocimiento.

Condúcelo:
te lo ruego, no por el camino cómodo y fácil, sino por el camino áspero, aguijoneado por las dificultades y los retos, allí déjalo aprender a sostenerse firme en la tempestad y a sentir compasión por los que fallan.

Dame:
un hijo cuyo corazón sea claro, cuyos ideales sean altos, un hijo que se domine a sí mismo antes de pretender dominar a los demás, un hijo que aprenda a reir pero que también sepa llorar, un hijo que avance hacia el futuro, pero que nunca olvide el pasado.

Y después...
que le hayas dado todo esto te suplico entregarle suficiente sentido del buen humor, de modo que puede ser siempre serio, pero que no se tome a sí mismo demasiado en serio, dale humildad para recordar siempre la sencillez de la verdadera sabiduría, la mansedumbre de la verdadera fuerza.

Entonces yo, me atreveré a murmurar: ¡No he vivido en vano!


This is the poetry I once heard, I was in pain, so much emotional pain, I was lost and left alone, I was trapped on a job that kept me away from everything I am now, I was sure this -the one Who I am right now- would never be anymore.
I remember this specifically because not two hours before this very moment someone asked me why I was crying.
"I feel as if the whole world is on my back right now, and is bending me down, I can't see up front anymore..." I sobbed and the guy held me for a second just ot say I was late for work, I needed more than that. "There's no way out of hits right? this is what I'm gonna be ever more..." he kissed me and sent me on my way, I was on my way when on a station I heard a latin radio station and they gave the hour and then in a very grave voice, and very slowly this poem started, I didn't paid atention until this little bit:
"Dame:
un hijo que nunca doble la espalda cuando debe erguir el pecho"

It means:
Gime me:
A child that nevers bend their back when they need to rise its chest

it makes no sense, it'll be like "A child that doesn't bend their knees when needs to walk tall"
and it was like a message, like someone telling me things weren't as bad as I thought.

At the very end it says "dale humildad para recordar siempre la sencillez de la verdadera sabiduría, la mansedumbre de la verdadera fuerza." (make 'em humble to remember simple things, and the calmness of true strenght) right there I started crying, So hard,SO HARD.. I couldn't move, I was late for work that day, but then? then the mill was just dark clouds on my sky and my time there ended, I was back on my path and was not easy, it was never easy... but I was stronger, knowing things will be better from that day.
I heard the same poem today and felt like crying once more.
how far I am from th elost child...

hope my father *if any of them cares enough* get to think I'm not a total waste.




text )
szarabasjka: (Wink)
I'm pissed, PISSED!!
Why because I might be afraid...
A second year resident was offered a so much better place in a better hospital in a MUCH BETTER program, WHY? WTF life? is not supposed to be like that.. she was my intern for fuck's sake...

someone once told me that there are people, some people that are special and those are meant for great things, while the rest of us are made to be stuck under them... I was the big one.. I was the one destined to greatness, I'm the one who has offers months, MONTHS before I need them! why she has things years before she has to worry about them?

and what she did? she came to me to gloat and prance around "Oh fuck I'm fucking leaving bitch stay behind!!!" was she really gloating or was just happy and wanted to tell me about it? I swear I tried to be happy for her and diplomatic enough not to soud bitter, did I succeeded? hope so.
but why i'm feeling this angry? or this disapointed?

I might be scared... I think that's the whole point is that I'm scared, I'm scared to be forgetable and unimportant, I'm scared that the best of my life is gone already and that all those things that happened and went on the way to get better, to be better and to already be a surgeon costed me my path...

Now is when I see how much things are affercted for your choices, so if anyone is planning on secondary roads, on waiting for things? DON'T
chances are not waiting for you, if you don't want them then someone else is gonna take them an piss you all over the face...

I hope in a couple days I'll be honestly saying I'm glad for the girl right now? I'm gonna sulk and pout and re-watch supernatural before going to bed....


http://transfixeddream.livejournal.com/102658.html?thread=2657538
szarabasjka: (Wink)
So okay, I'm gonna start talking about something.
Let's start with the date 1/2/13 day I went to visit a center that offered me a fellow position.
okay the place is not bad, the worst was when I left the plane and the heat hit me like a red hot hammer on the face, me all time trousers/jeans girl even wore cammo shorts... don't even ask...

Well the place is nice, the chance is great and everything is great there, I already have a place there if I want one, if not then I've been offered another thing quite close, with Danny from my internship year, for trauma, that's more my thing, right?

then there's this thingy that's been bothering me for long, the trial I was working on and it was taken away from me while I was away, I had the official take over this morning and I just wanted to cry... but in the end I left things, even my results were given to the people who's staying and I left, walking tall and chin up. smiling and nobody understood why.

So okay, in case I want to, I have chances to leave my secure place, I have chances and I'm gonna try to have things sorted out soon.

Last night I went with the internal medicine friend and the OBGYN (who's pregnant. Oh, irony) friends to the movies, we saw Warm Bodies and loved it!!

so yeah I'm gonna sleep more for a while before deciding what to do with my life.


http://archiveofourown.org/works/58767/chapters/77793

http://moviegeek03.livejournal.com/27945.html
szarabasjka: (Wink)
Mine wasn't at all happy.
my mother is a bitch and since none on her children could make it, we decided to have dinner at my baby sister's who instead of cooking bought stuff, it's okay I got there and helped with the mushroom sauce and we had everything we all love so much, dad was okay, even happy we were all together and stuff, we laughed for a while and food was -at the very begining- very good, mother? mother decided not to eat with us, she instead stayed sitting on the living room watching TV and crying... I said we should ignore her, she always do the same, and we all play along her fucking game.
Why on earth you ruin someone's thanksgiving like that?
SHE SHOULD'VE STAYED AT HER PLACE THEN!!!

the things they said...
it was so bad I left disoriented and crying and calmed myself down only when I get to the hospital.
I 'm not on call so I just sat there trying to get myself together when I heard a guy commenting his wife was giving him hell for being on call on christmass eve. Stupid me decided there I don't want to see my family for christmas I kinda finally decided I'm not gonna let them ruin my holydays anymore, so I offered to switch, I'll be there on christmas eve if he stays on New year, he looked at me with this face and said:
"what's the catch..."
"no catch, just... I guess you have a better reason to spend time with your family"
"I want to be with my family but dealing with you is like selling your soul to the devil, I mean people say you're really messed up since you came back"
*imagine how i felt at that*
"fine then have a nice christmas away from your kids" and I was leaving hwn he caught me
"you okay?" and his face showed how much he pity me.
"I was offering you help, I wanted to do you a favor bastard, nothing else, not to know that everyone is warning others about the messed up one..." and started crying without reason, I'm home, my sisters' been calling me since I left dinner and I'm home crying my eyes dry. is this why I went to afghanistan for? so others can gosip about me behind my back?
I'm on call on christmass eve, and on new year's eve, happy holydays everyone.

so

Sep. 1st, 2012 10:31 pm
szarabasjka: (Default)
my father's older sister passed away, and today was the funeral, I know I haven't been here alot lately... life's been way too busy for me.

during the burrial I had to see the whole crowd, cousins and aunts and uncles, and shit, a million of them I didn't even know I'm related to. Since we're the side of the family people rather avoid or simply ignore. I was paraded about by my parents, you see.. I hate this kind of things because me, the all times black sheep get to be the blue ribonned dog... and every one wants to look at.

About the lady, she used to be very bossy, very weird and always made us feel smalller/dumber, less worthy that we are.
she never helped me when I needed something and whenever I tried to help she made mefeel like the one butting in in something that doesn't concerns me.
as a child I had to wear some of the creepiest dresses she ever made, just because I wasn't "that" pretty, when I joined the army she said I was a lesbian or something because girls are supposed to marry not to run arround countries, when I get to med school she said I wasn't smalrt enough I surely fail and my dad would've lost tons of money.

she made me cry a million times and always made me feel ugly and fat, time went on and I simply stopped talking to them, and lately refused to see her evenif asked directly to visit her, Why? because I'm done with people who think they have the right to hurt me. then my mother spent the last night with her, and seems like she wanted to fix things with me, I don't know, and my mean/bad/going to hell side wants to believe she regreted things she did to me, but I was too bussy and never saw her.
during the burrial whenpeople started dramatically crying and screaming *cause they did* I had to bite my tongue not to laugh, when I turned to my sister, the three of them were crying, even my older brother were crying, me and my youger brother were the ones less favoured by her so the look of bored calm on my and his face was expected... but seeing my sisters crying was too much, is not that I cared enough to cry, is not even I caredenough for those suffering for her death, it was my sisters crying I can't handle...

I'm so going to hell for this.
My dad cried more today than i've seen in the last ten years, and the whole place was covered in silence and spiritual pain, she might have been an insane awful person but she was well liked by many.

I'm staying at my parents until monday, just ot be near if they need me
szarabasjka: (Default)
I've been adding pure poop here for the last week or so, if ant posting has been done.
had another shout match with the same bitchy gyno from last year, funny huh? about the same time.

I've met thisguy, I've met hiom for a while now, that makes me think on somebody else, not knowing who the other was, now I know it's JDM the man, ebcaus ehe's aman, looks like him
aside of that finally found my fav fic writer ever!!!
[livejournal.com profile] dodger_winslow
he's theperson that made me cry more than any other person ever! with just four little stories.

aside of that? think nothing else... sisters went on a vacation trip and I'm staying here.
Oh btw my ex is living around here again and I heard of him getting in touch with some of my friends, not sure if I should hang out with them... right?

anywho... my schedule for the week? work and work with a side plate of.. work. hate my life.
new *kinda* onsession that's not really working since I found it like a month ago and still only saw two and a half epis..
Teen wolf *Major guilty pleasure warning*

http://one-tvshows.eu/tv/links/show/teen-wolf/season/1/episode/3/pack-mentality/

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