and I've been for a while, things have changed, that's true, things are less messy and less inocent that used to, I'm old, I was old when I left, and I only got older...
suddenly I feel like life is no longer important, at least not the life I had before all this, suddenly light is brighter and even simple watter tastes better, and then the things that used to be bliss for me are shallow and stupid and so irrelevant.
I arrived home a saturday morning to find my place just like I left it, even my dirty laundry was there, dust over my stuff 'cause my sisters knows I don't like people touching my stuff, and I feel in bed and slept, slept for like an hour, feeling finally home but I was restless, I've spent the rest of the time trying to get some sleep, I'm here for a while now and I finally am doing some laundry, I saw Bone and we only had troubles, there was nothing to talk about, we went to my once fav coffee shop to sit oin front of each other for like an hour without saying a word... I mean, he used to be my best friend and there's nothing I could tell him... I've seen things I've done things, and I cannot express in words how I feel about it, I'm not sure if I'm ready to share stuff, even now that I finally can, I tried, damn I tried to be me just arriving, going out and doing stuff, but couldn't, walked the whole city, passing streets and streets, seeing people and being alone, but open spaces made me nervous and even a small noise make me jump, laughter once one of my fav sounds ever sounded like a mock and I couldn't stand it, kids that used to annoy me make me want to cry.
went to a park to feed doves, sat on small places by myself trying to find myself, went to see people at the hospital, and one of my old nurses called me the John Carter of my hospital because after almost two years I still know more about that place than new residents, I need to talk to the chief to see if there's anything I could do to go back, I need to know if there's still at least a part of my old life I can take back, even though I think my dreams are different now, if there's any left.
weird as it is is hot for this time of the year, I'm afraid, and it took me like ten minutes to type that, afraid of myself and to sleep, I closed my eyes alone on this place and felt people calling my name and the same feeling when someone poke you to keep you awake when you have to, when other's lives depends on it, and I was awake again and was imposible to fell asleep, last night finally slept for more than an hour and it only caused me to feel worse.
I have like a million different kind of cookies people keep bringing for me, and I'm tired, is like I hadn't had enough water for a life time, I'm tired of the look people throw at me, like I'm sick or ruined, or... ruined, I'm tired of the tone they use, like they know what it was like, like they know what I've done, like they know how it feels.
But is worse when people try to act like I never left, they talk about stuff I didn't know have happened and I feel out of place, sometimes I feel like going back just to be in my own safe *oh the irony* enviroment
what makes me laugh is that even if i try nothing taste the same, nothing feels the same, nothings looks good enough and I feel like I'm poluted, like I'm darker in someway and that I turn bitter everything, because people just stares at me...
on sat night I went to a party dressed up and we even had fun, then out of nowhere a band of kids started teasing me, for God know's what reason and all I could think about was to kill them, in how easy was to get them on the floor, no tbecause I needed to because I wanted to... but do I really want to? am I the animal I feared to become?
there are so many things I try to forget and not to talk about, and I'm not gonna vent here, no, not because is safe and now I can write anything I feel like, because here we're all faceless and there's no risk of being caught, no... I'm not that weak, I've dealed with more than just few months of that, I've faced worse things than bullets and screams, and I'm not gonna vent here like some kind of sorry-ass wuzz.
Actually think I needed to put this down so I can make heads and tails and fonally digest it and put it behind.
I finally saw Watchmen, finally saw Appaloosa, and My Bloody Valentine in 3D, I went to see my parents and my mother was happy , my father, well he asked how long it'll take for me to be full civilian again... it'll take like 45 days, he's not pleased... I'm the black sheep nothing else to his eyes. and I couldn't care less, so...
at the end of this long loong tirade... I have to say I'm back I missed you all, and I still miss most of you because I did all so low profile that must of my friends in real and ciber life haven't heard yet.
I'm not sure what's gonna happen with my life, but I'll try to do something decent, at least for a while,right now all I want is some more water and peace, once the sleep came back the other problems left and I became more me i'll be ready to face life.
my best regards to all