Tittle: Don't you cry
beta not yet
Characters: John WInchester, Dean Winchester, Sam WInchester and mention of others
Summary: Sometimes he wishes he could have donne things different.
A/N: writing this story I've cried more than in the last three yearslittle by little
I've come to this point
on my own I've been searching my way
It is Dean who notices Dad's change, music is the first thing he notices, he used to let the same tape go on and on, mostly good ol' rock, but now... this synfonic thing is... different, and he's not the one to ask him to change to something else.
It started right after Sammy left, It still hurts Dean and Dad's not even talking about it. Dean went to Bobby and he just smiled and held him close, ignoring the fact that his shirt was wet and that Dean was sobbing.
John knows, John was just one door away kicking himself for not conforting his son, he knew that if Sam leaving left him incomplete it was ten times worst for Dean, the boy's life was to make Sam happy.
But he did it because it had to be done, he had a million ways to make him stay, But Sam was not Dean, his mind was ready for everything, but not his heart, Sam craved a different life like he once did. And a much as it hurts he was willing to give his son the chance to find his own way. The words harsh as it were still burn inside his heart, in his mind and bring tears to tired, used to this shit eyes...I lost you so early
the days went so fast
you don't know I prayed every day
John is standing behind a column, people walking around looking at him like the fly in the milk, it's Dean's first hunt alone, because he needed time to check on Sam, Dean is strong and brave and he's ready, he wish he could be man enough to say his son there's nothing else he could teach him, that he's proud of him, that he loves him and that every time he looks into his eyes he see his Mary looking back *how wrong that sounds?* he remembers Dean's eyes on him the first time right after he was born, all he wanted was to See Mary, but he couldn't pass the craddle without getting glued to those tinny open eyes, so big, and so green and fix on him he'd swear over his soul he saw one of those smiles, the ones that show that Dean knows how handsome he is, the little devil, right there in the tiny face, it amazes him that Dean never grow from that innocent look, after all this, after the girls and the horrors.
The first night when Dean was crying silently on his arms while Sammy slept as if nothing had happened in the back sit of the car John knew there was something in Deanny, that he'd be the one close to him, always, Sam always felt like a borrowed blessing while Dean was his baby, HIS son.
He felt like a bastard for thinking that, for making Mary cry, because he's sure she'd cry if she ever hears him talk about their baby like that. Sometimes wishes his boy could forget everything, like something, a spirit, a djin, something could come to Sam and erase his memories, he sometimes, like right now seeing him smiling and hanging out with his friend holding his girl's hand, like there's no evil in this world, he wishes a song to remember
a song to forget
Dean is the one that did his best, Yet Dean is the one he's sure has no idea how much he loves them, how could his perfect son think he's not making his dad proud of him, when everything makes him special, because John might have teached him how to hunt, and the rules, and all, but there's something else, a gentle soul, a tender heart, a honor and righteousness unearthy on his boy.
He had no right to lash out on him, but as someone made him understand he was just protecting his weaker son.
you'll never know how I tried
to make you proud
and to honor your name but
you never told me goodbye
When John left, when he had to leave his boys alone, his heart died, he regrets everything that came out of his mouth, but it was what had to be done.
Someone showed him when his boys burnt his body, he could hear Sam saying a prayer for him, while His Dean was asking why, why he left him, why he said that, why...
Dean is the one always taking care of things, since he was four, he used to drink more than he should, used to neglect the baby to get up surprised he was drunk sleeping again, to find him bathed tucked in bed, always clean and fed, Dean... Dean never had someone like that, maybe Bobby, John feels jealous of how easy Bob makes Dean smile, and how easy is for his son to tell the man everything he's always keeping away from him, even if he gave him "The Talk" is Bobby who gave him the best advises, and the one Dean's goes for condoms that first time.
That's why he stoped, that's why he kept sober for long time, to make it up for Dean to find him way too busy trying to be the perfect son, the perfect soldier not needing him more, Sam didn't need him either, he had Dean...now that your are gone
casting shadows from the past
you and all the memories will last
Dean Still remembers the only time Dad took them to the carnival, Dean won a teddy bear for Sammy, Dad bought tickets for the wheel and Sam screamed like a girl the whole time held by the hand by both Dad and him, hid his face in Dad's neck for hours almost crying of fear and shame for it, he was only eight but Sam was always way too different from Dean.
John remembers so many things from the sleepy kid in way too big pajamas holding his baby brother when Sam broke his first teeth, to the teen with freshly cut hair going out on his first date, He remembers Sammy first day at school and the last fight, the moment Sam said: "This is not the life I want for me... I want more than monsters and blood, me and my brother deserve more than your vengeance." It hurt, hurt so deep, the same words once Jim said Mary told him, right after leaving with him, leaving her life behind, How could he do this to Sam? so he did the most painful thing ever, he let his son Go.don't you cry
or suffer over me
I will be waiting for you
don't you cry
angels never fade away
I'll be watching over you
see you through
Sam and Dean crying burning his body, better than seing his perfect Son broken and unconscious on a bed, better than having Sammy crying his eyes dry for his brother even if he puts his all Winchester trade mark poker face. At first he's not sure if its true or just one of the first tortures in hell.
John wanted to be there for his boys and not even Sam's resentement made him change his mind.
now I'm a man and
I'm feeling you still
could it be you were there all along
a time to surrender
a time to forgive
with solace I give you this song
Sam felt sad since he was nine and found out what Dean never wanted to talk about, felt lost since the moment he understood, right when Dean didn't even showed Dad the college applications every teacher gave him, when Dean gave up his life for Dad, for the family, for the hunting. But the sadness that filled him the moment dad told him to leave... that dispair and sadness. he wanted to stay, to ask Dad to forgive him, wanted, needed Dean on his side instead of crying hid in the impala, needed his Dad to say he was proud of him, or at least that he understood instead of that "if you go, then stay gone"now that you are gone
casting shadows from the past
in my dreams I hear your voice at last
Dean remembers the minutes Dad spènt with him at the hospital "I love you both" he said "take care of Sammy" Dean was so shocked to hear that he thought it was because of the accident and the damage he suffered that softened his Dad, after all; only when he was hurt Dad pampered him
"I'm fine, I'll be fine, now... we have the colt and..." Dad shook no with his head and his eyes always sad and distant seemed so different "you must know I'm proud of you two Dean, and I'm sorry for..." sighed, turned nervous and bit his lips "I..." Dad actually gasped and moved one step at the side, held Dean's hand and then whispered something in his ear And Dean for once in his life hated his Dad.don't you cry
or suffer over me
I will be waiting for you
Sam never expected it to be truth, the family business, as he wasn't expecting Dad sending him away, he wasn't expecting his brother or the rage and need of revenge that filled im after Jess died, he wasn't expecting the fire in Dean, the anger the pain, he was expecting his brother to be there for him, How selfish, he thought seeing Dean alone in the junkyard pretending he wasn't crying, pretending he didn't miss dad.
Dean's sorrow was so big that chained his dad's soul to this land, every tear was like an iron nail, and if he ever knew.. He's sure he'd just let it go, he could've forgoten his dad in order to spare him some pain, but he never knew until the first time he was in heaven, the first time someone killed Dean Winchester, and when Archangels sent him back he kept thst memory, because he's special.
The same way Sam knew Jess was fine and that deep inside Dad always were proud of him too, the only bitterness he ever felt against Dean was gone.don't you cry
angels never fade away
I'll be watching over you
It was a night when he lost his mother and it was a night when he saw his Dad go, it was a night when he sold his soul to save his brother and he lost his family on a night too... He lost Cas on a night and every time he remembers his loses it's dark outside, How could he believe Mom after all this time? how could he believe her after seeing what he saw? yet, every time he thinks about Castiel pulling him out of hell he thinks on his mom aswell and his heart breaks again...
Life has changed them, the world is a crazy scary place where Dean and Sam lost Bobby, lost Mom and Dad, lost their friends and the last chances of love and a normal life...
The last stand took place near to the ruins of what once was their home, Bobby's place... in a snowy december night Dean Saw the last of his father, as a ghost. Bloody and hurt the boys smile to the shadow in front of them, CAs left telling them he'll be back after fixing something for their parents.
After all this time Dean gets to see Dad again and being an adult, being a cynic, because lets face it, things like this can actually turn you into a cinic, he smiles and his arms itch to be hugged by the man that raised him, but there's no chance for it, behind them inside the light Sam can see another face, Mom is there, calling Dad, she's smiling too, the second Dean sees her he gasps, She holds John's arm but instead of pulling her husband back comes forward to his boys, Dad is forbiden, Castiel made them all promise, no chance to touch him, but Mom... she was never part of the deal. please let her touch me.
they beg.I can see you tonight
in the pale winter light
father and son again
the bond of blood will never end
"My angel" she hugs Dean and Dean just sobs, so loud and so painfully that Bobby is crying behind them "Look at you, you're a man..." she smiles "you've been so brave, baby..." her hand on his cheek makes him close his eyes and shudder "and you're so good" she leans and kisses his forehead "Nothing would have been done without the righteous man... My angel..." hugs him once more and whispers "I'll be watching over you sweetie." and moves to Sam, almost pulling herself away from Dean's clinging hands "Sammy..." Bobby moves to Dean and he holds him for dear life while John smiles faintly.
"Mom" whines Sam, his face as damaged as Dean's, cuts and bruises in every piece of flesh exposed, Dean is a soldier and never show how much it hurts but with Sam is different
"You'll be fine my baby.." Mom hugs Sam so tight he feels like she'd never let him go again, and as if he would never stop feeling her next to him "My brave boy... wish I had more time with you, but your Dad made a great job with you... just look at you!" and moves back to look at Sam "my brave boy" holds him again and kisses his forehead before repeating the same "I'll be watching over you" Dad holds his hand out for her and John calls for Bobby
"Take care of my boys Bob" Bobby mumbled under his breath that he always does "you two are the reason for everythimg I ever did, if I didn't let you see it... if I ever..." John sighs and shakes his head "I'm sorry for... for everything" the light behind them grows and Castiel appears near to Dean
"it is time..." and then Mom and Dad are gone.
That's the first time in years, since they burnt Dad's bones they cry without shame to show their tears, Cas study the faces and the tears, Bobby moves from one to the other with a hand on their shoulders and orders to get a grip.
from hesven Dad is watching his boys whispering and crying tears that become flickering Stars "Don't you cry..."
Here's the link to the video that kinda inspired this story, edited it like a million times and this sick leave gave me the time