Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit made.
Title: Fooled again - Reid
Prompt: They show us what we want to see, the profile says different
Characters: Spencer Reid, BAU team
Summary: One might be fooled to think that what we see about the BAU is real.
A/N: There's alot we don't know about the team members, what they have inside.
A/N2: I tend to think on the weirdest things while preparing for stress, this came to me last year but couldn't make it out in the way I wanted it, it is a weird personal statement in the words of the BAU members
One might be fooled to believe he's not strong enough, he knows it, The way he looks, all lanky and pale, socially awkward and young, as if he were all innocense and sweetness, there was a girl in college, his lab partner who used to say that, before sending him his way. one might be fooled to believe it's true, but the reality has proved him different, even when Spencer himself doubted his strenght. Even when he find solace in drugs, hehad the strenght to fight them on his own, yeah he is strong.
One might be fooled to believe he's not aware of the shadows gathering around him, around his thoughts, around his dreams, his hopes, his friends, his own mind, one might be fooled to believe he hasn't seen the way everyone in his team get swalowed by the darkness, how Gideon gave up, how Elle let it take her in, how Derek is always in the very edge of it, how Emily went away and came back and is ready to leave again, just to run away from the darkness he knows is inside of everyone of them, even if she still doesn't udnerstand that. How garcia has changed, how JJ can't sleep on the jet as she used to, how Hotch is not himself anymore, how the smiles, the jokes, the soft patient looks he used to give him are gone, even with Jack even with Beth is never gonna BE THE SAME. None of them will ever be the same is the price of doing what they do, of being who they are, and it scares him more than anything he's ever seen.
One might to be fooled to believe he's okay with the idea of everyone leaving, that he never wonders if is not his fault, because, yes, his mom was sick, but his dad left him, his mom could've been instutionalized and maybe, just Maybe he'd have grow up with his dad, the one who wanted him around normal people, instead normal, his Dad abandoned him with such a burden. He wants us to believe he isn't bitter because of that. Because Gideon first said he was special, gifted, that he'd have a place in the FBI, a "home" with him in the BAU, and then, then he just left with so much to explain, he had a place, had a home, had a Dad, Gideon was like his Dad, at least while he was useful to him, he wants us to be fooled to think that's not what he felt. Because Ellen was his friend, his sister, the kind of person you'd like to have around, they could see each other in the eye, and he felt like she blames him for not solving the case sooner, before everything got that bad, before she was shot, he felt she blames him for notbeing there when the rapist got to the house, he wants to fool us and fool himself to believe is not his fault, even if noone else's think it is.
One be fooled to believe he's okay with the jokes, with the nasty remarks, even if he understand they come from friends and they're just teasing him, he still hurts inside "that's the Reid effect,it happens with babies too", "he's so life-like", "it eerks me to see what you find interesting", "and what keeps young doctor Reid up at night? I know I know, listing the science mistakes in Star terk", "no matter what you say I'm not going with you to comic-con", "... he wrote 'em", it did hurt, it still hurts every time, after all Spencer Reid can't forget
One might be fooled to believe he's okay with not seeing Hotch the last of his surrogate fathers while he's in a bed, in a hospital, wounded and in pain, yet He wants us to believe he's okay with the whole team forgeting there's no elevator to his apartment, that he had to climb the stairs every day to his place, that he felt left out when he was given all that time off, he wants to fool himself and us that he wasn't sad when everyone was more worried about Hotch than they were for him, he want us to believe he doesn't feel like a bastard for being so selfish, maybe that's the reason why everyuone leaves him, because he's selfish and stupid enough not to see that others are more important than him. yeah that must be the reason...
One might be fooled to believe he is okay with Jordan ignoring him, with Seaver only getting close to get something from him, with Rossi choosing anyone but him. JJ leaving, JJ lying, Prentis dying, After all it started when he was a child, everyone think he's nin important.
One might be fooled to believe he's fine, but he cried every day at the shot range, every day the mark got intact, every day he had to stay there hours after hours trying to do it perfect, if he were better, if he were faster, if he were stronger, prentiss would still be there, JJ would not be acting this strange, Morgan wouldn't be obsessed, Garcia would talk to him, he misses having someone with him, if He were better, if he could help... hotch wouldn't be halfway across the planet.
he's pissed, that's not something you can hide, when Emily is back and JJ tries to act like nothing happened, when a whole board tries to tell them they were wrong, this time he's ready he'll fight for his family and he did, he's not the meek boy anymore, don't be fooled by the appearence.
But at night, when the headaches come back and the sleep doesn't when he has to wait in bed for the lights, when he wish he had someone next to him, when he misses Lilah, when he misses his mom, whenhe has noone to call, those hours when the darkness shows him just how small his life is, then he can't be fooled, he's scared.